Speaking of purple things, yesterday I earned my 3 month chip at ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I found this group at just the right time and I have already learned so much through this community. I’m thankful to better understand this identity… (for the record I do choose to drink socially despite my mother’s addiction).

WIW

Last week: 189.2

This week: 192.1

Change: +2.9

To quote the classic Empire Records – “I do not regret the things I’ve done, but the things I’ve failed to do.”

I worked most of the weekend where free food, candy, and gourmet donuts were a-plenty. I had a hard time saying no, plus each night after working all weekend, it was easy to have an alcoholic beverage or two. Because I worked all weekend I didn’t get to a few of my usual fitness classes, but I did get a lot of steps in. 

Like many of you have said it’s easy to deny the sugar monster or alcohol monster when you aren’t indulging much, but once you do it’s harder to wean yourself off. 

Did a healthy grocery shop yesterday and getting back on the wagon for the 10,000th time. 

New workout tights from Academy Sports (not having one nearby anymore hurts my heart, I love their store brand line). I made sure to make time to pop in when I was visiting Alabama 2 weeks ago. Bought these and a cute new v-neck tech tee.

Also, I’m working from home today since I worked an event most of the weekend, so I was able to go to a noon Body Pump class near the house. 

Words & Thoughts…

Out of the blue this morning I had a string of thoughts that started with the lady who interviewed me for the Urban Hiking gig. I wondered…

…if she thought I was in good enough shape to teach a Health & Fitness class.

…was she expecting someone of my “size” to interview for the job (which I got).

…what is my “size” ?

…was my body type a non-issue because I was “normal” – did I warrant to be thought of as normal?

…at what point would “my size” be viewed as normal versus fat or big or my very least favorite “bigger” which I feel people use to not seem like THEY aren’t being as harsh when describing someone.

…what is the first thing people notice about me? That I’m tall? I almost would hope I’m seen as tall first over being seen as “fat” or “big” – in my college days I used to control that narrative subconsciously by wearing pretty revealing tops, so the first thing people noticed were my big boobs. My chest was like a weird security blanket for SO many years. In fact one of my best friends brought up how low cut my shirts used to be and how I dress more conservatively now (it is funny we did go out to a bar on Saturday night to dance for my friends birthday with a bunch of girls and I wore a shirt that was cute to me vs one that was “dance club cute”) and that is a definite shift that even I’ve noticed over the years. 

It both surprises and doesn’t surprise me when my deep seeded insecurities rear its ugly head. I’ve been feeling “slender” lately. My body is changing, I’ve been working out 5-6x a week, and keeping up with Weight Watchers. My clothes fit differently, but more so I know I’m carrying myself differently.

I know we cannot control how people view us, I only have control over how I view myself.