Unraveling

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO TO SPIN CLASS WHERE I COULD SWEAT AND CRY PUBLICLY IN THE DARK.

But NO, spin class was FULL. FULL. It’s never been full in the 14 month history of me going to gym class.

It was the straw that broke the camels back. I had to drive home before I lost it. Which meant sobbing, gutwretching sobs in my bed just now.

I am not doing well guys.

It doesn’t help that my newsfeed is chock full of pictures and updates of Wiley and his new girlfriend. What the serious fuck. He rarely used facebook, he’s acting out of character overall and hurting me in the process.

I broke down privately a few times at work today. I just don’t want to be at work anymore. I want to be at a new job back in the northeast near all my friends and family. I’ve wanted that for a long time and especially now.

I’m also struggling because next Friday, the 18th, will mark 4 years since I lost my dad. I can’t even get into that now.

In “strange ways to kick me when. I’m down” news my arch-nemisis (yes I have one) got married this past Friday. She looked beautiful and happy. It made me sick and jealous all at once. Especially the pictures of her dad walking her down the aisle.

I’m drowning in my glass case of emotions and I don’t know how to fix myself. All I can do is write. Writing has always been my escape and a way to heal. Believe me my paper journal is chock full of pages of the past few days, but I needed to put it here too.

I’m not the biggest Bible verse/Scripture person, but this has popped up in my life twice in the past 24 hours:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declared the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11