Out of the blue this morning I had a string of thoughts that started with the lady who interviewed me for the Urban Hiking gig. I wondered…
…if she thought I was in good enough shape to teach a Health & Fitness class.
…was she expecting someone of my “size” to interview for the job (which I got).
…what is my “size” ?
…was my body type a non-issue because I was “normal” – did I warrant to be thought of as normal?
…at what point would “my size” be viewed as normal versus fat or big or my very least favorite “bigger” which I feel people use to not seem like THEY aren’t being as harsh when describing someone.
…what is the first thing people notice about me? That I’m tall? I almost would hope I’m seen as tall first over being seen as “fat” or “big” – in my college days I used to control that narrative subconsciously by wearing pretty revealing tops, so the first thing people noticed were my big boobs. My chest was like a weird security blanket for SO many years. In fact one of my best friends brought up how low cut my shirts used to be and how I dress more conservatively now (it is funny we did go out to a bar on Saturday night to dance for my friends birthday with a bunch of girls and I wore a shirt that was cute to me vs one that was “dance club cute”) and that is a definite shift that even I’ve noticed over the years.
It both surprises and doesn’t surprise me when my deep seeded insecurities rear its ugly head. I’ve been feeling “slender” lately. My body is changing, I’ve been working out 5-6x a week, and keeping up with Weight Watchers. My clothes fit differently, but more so I know I’m carrying myself differently.
I know we cannot control how people view us, I only have control over how I view myself.
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