I was never the person who dreamed about their wedding, in fact I actually began to dread the reality of it – the family drama, the finances, the planning. NIGHTMARE. My then-boyfriend and I moved in together to a house he bought in Summer 2016. Not too long after on social media or tumblr I posted that as much as I want to get engaged, I was starting to understand the weight of the wedding extravaganza and wasn’t looking forward to the circus. Well of course soon after I posted that we got engaged in February 2017.

I remember asking him soon after he proposed why did he do this to me NOW?! I was literally at the beginning of a long Spring as a one-person office at work and we were planning on doing major home renovations.  I didn’t even have time to think about a wedding. So when people asked I said Fall 2018 because I knew Fall was the best time for me to take off of work and I like that time of year. Fall 2018 seemed so far off when we got engaged. The only thing we knew was that we wanted a beach wedding, but September-October is hurricane season on the east coast. So I googled something along the lines of “warmest ocean water beaches in fall without a hurricane threat” and the internet gods said Portugal and we were like sounds good.

March to September 2017 was a blur of a horrific nightmare due to work stress, renovations, mom drama, a shitty boss, and more. I was coping through not sleeping and severe workaholism. By the time I could come up for air I knew a 2018 wedding wasn’t going to happen and those closest to me knew that, but it didn’t stop the incessant questions and puzzled looks from random people when I said we hadn’t set a date or made plans. How do you tell a work acquaintance that you are trying to just keep yourself sane and finish out 2017 in one piece.

I set my intention for 2018 as “Balance” which meant no wedding planning because I knew I needed to work on me first. However this year was more about setting an intention, it was living the intention and that takes work and time. With 2018 winding down I’m happier with myself then I think I have ever been from the inside out. My fiance has also been on his own developmental journey. Together we are better now than we’ve ever been. We weathered a few storms and are stronger for it.

Last week was our 4.5 year anniversary and I joked that we are “Forever Fiances.” I was asked several times if him or I were “okay” with that. I still don’t really understand that question.

• Are we okay that neither of us are really close with family and none of our family really care about our wedding because regardless of what we do it will be an inconvenience for them, if they come at all?
• Are we okay that the only part of my wedding I ever “knew for sure” was that I wanted to to dance with my Dad to “On the street where you live” from My Fair Lady, but he died when I was 24 and never got to meet most of the important people in my life including my fiancé?
• Are we okay with going into debt to self fund a wedding or cutting back on home improvements and aggressive mortgage payments to pay for it?
• Are we okay with me doing large scale event planning for my day job and then me not really being motivated to do it in my precious free time? The free time that I’ve used to get a fitness instructor certification and lose ~25 lbs this year?

We don’t want a big flashy wedding, but we do want a wedding and we want to do it right, we just need time, money, and patience. The marriage part is what we’ve already been working on and we don’t need a piece of paper to do so. The party will come and it will be great, but I didn’t expect all the pressure put on engaged couples, particularly brides. Unless you know you will be invited to my wedding or you are willing to pay for it, please don’t ask me about it. When plans are set I’ll be the first one to shout it from the rooftop.