Month: October 2012

Weirdly Okay

My ex-boyfriend, Wiley, got engaged yesterday. I had a weird feeling recently that it was coming. Thankfully I didn’t have facebook tell me directly. I think seeing it without warning like that would have jolted me a bit. My friend Sara texted me to tell me (she saw it on facebook). She didn’t want to the bearer of the news, but she also wanted me to know. I SO appreciate that she did. Not wanting my other best friends to worry about having to telling me I sent a few text messages to them. I got a number of really great messages that reminded me what I already knew.

I am weirdly okay. I didn’t want the life that being with him would have given me. The fact that what I thought was a 22 year old rebound turned into something serious is the part the annoys me, but that’s really it. I chose to chase my dreams and create the life I want.

I’ll share this quote from Eat, Pray, Love that my same dear friend Sara sent me one day a little while ago when I was feeling emotional about Wiley. 

I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.” He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.“But I love him.”“So love him.” “But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

20 x 2

On Saturday after my 20 miler I texted my sister to see if she’d done her 20 yet in her training. She said she did 18.5 two weeks ago. I told her about how successful my 20 were and how the weather was perfect.

I was glad that she reported later to tell me she got her 20 in. She said her first 16 were great, but after 16 she started crying. 

I’m so proud of her for taking on the marathon with me. As lackluster as my training has been at points, I feel good about October 28th. I’m excited to be running alongside my sister and share this with her. 

What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger

I never thought 2 months ago, even 2 weeks ago that I would have had such a solid 20 mile run.

Training this time around was a different beast than last time. The heat, the distractions, the injuries, the heat!

The weather was perfect, I had my head in a good place and I was aiming for sub 4:30 (I scheduled a hair appointment to ensure I hit that time).

Ended up running it in 4:17 with a 12:50 average pace.

I’m going to taper, hydrate and eat well the next two weeks.

I have a realistic goal for the Marine Corps Marathon – its slower than LA, but I’m okay with that.

I hope others had great long runs today!

Pet lovers take note

My friend Griff from my old improv group wrote this amazing eulogy about his 23 year old cat, Zsa Zsa,  that just passed away the other night.  I found it so touching especially the part I bolded below that really captures why I got my dog. 

A quick backstory on Griff –  he is such an interesting guy. He’s 6’6 and slim. He has a bushy beard and wears his hair in long Native American style braided pig tails. Griff is a graphic designer who used to be a tattoo artist and he is covered in tattoos. Griff at first glance could come across of scary or intimidating  but anyone who knows him isn’t surprised that he would write such a beautiful and heartfelt ode to his cat for all his the internet to read.  I should also note that Griff is now a dad to a 7 month old little girl who I hope will help gill the void that losing Zsa Zsa has created.  

I want to thank everyone for your kind words and sympathy. They mean so much to me in what is and will continue to be a ridiculously difficult time. If you let me take up a few more inches of your newsfeed I will write more clever and/or comical status updates shortly, but ZZ was very egotistical, as many of you may know, and it would be a disservice to not expound on her existence just a little bit more.

Zsa Zsa was more than a pet. I’m sure most of you can relate. Sometimes, a creature walks into our lives on four legs, that is as much friend and/or family as any human. You laugh with them just as easily as you would a drinking buddy and cry with them with full the confidence that they understand and are sympathetic your pain. Zsa Zsa easily met those qualifications and yet somehow managed to go a bit further. For years I tried to categorize ZZ’s relationship to me and didn’t really have success until I read Harry Potter, specifically, when Horace Slughorn teaches young Tom Riddle about Horcruxes. 
“A Horcrux is the word used for an object in which a person has concealed part of their soul.”
Zsa Zsa was my Horcrux. 
She was 20 pounds of my soul living outside my body and wrapped in calico fur. I don’t feel like I’m able to breathe as deeply as I could 18 hours ago. I feel slightly translucent like Marty McFly playing guitar helplessly as Biff dances with his mother at prom. 
I feel so mortal.
This is something I say that not to express how shitty I feel now but I say it so that you understand how amazing I felt while she was here. 
Zsa Zsa gave me about a decade more than any cat should have to give. I hope she knew that I loved her as much as a man could love a cat. I hope I gave her a good life. 

As I laid my head on her weak body and listened to her heart give its last beat and feel the last gasp of air exit her. I was flooded with the memory of why I wanted her in the first place. I got Zsa Zsa because I wanted to take care of something. Many times when that dreaded feeling of numbness and escape would fall over me, Z would be there. She would need me to feel and in that moment, I would need her too, because she was the only one that could make me feel anything. That was her job. Her job was to let me take care of her. Her job was to sit there and be lovely.
No one has ever done a job as perfectly as Zsa Zsa did hers.
 

One last time, on a keyboard soaked in my tears, I want to thank you for reading this eulogy I write for a very small creature that was such a large part of my life.
R.I.P. Zsa Zsa Speck. You are missed.