18 months ago this week I went to my first ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting. My success in this program helped give me the strength to handle a long weekend at home for my Grandmother’s funeral services. I only learned about ACA in December 2016 from a book, about 6 months before I started attending meetings at an early suggestion of a counselor I was seeing to deal with my workaholism. The book Perfect Daughters is about adult daughters of alcoholics which was the first time I even heard of  the term “adult children.” In reading that book I learned that less than 20% of children grow up in a household where only the mother is the alcoholic. Alcoholic fathers are most common followed by homes where both parents are alcoholics. It was only in late 2016 that I was able to even verbalize that my mother is an alcoholic – also common for daughters in situations like mine to be in denial about it or make excuses for their alcoholic mother.

There was no denying that my mom is not well, but she has a lot of problems from OCD to agoraphobia to suspected borderline personality disorder and narcissism so it was hard to bring myself to name any of them. However in late April 2016 on a Friday afternoon, my mom left my sister and I each a “goodbye” voicemail. I called 911 for police to make a welfare check and my sister headed to Long Island from NYC with her boss not knowing what they would find. There’s no telling how serious her attempt was, she was assessed by paramedics, but refused transport. Essentially she was very drunk and took some pills. She has no recollection of the attempt and refuses to accept it was as traumatizing as it was for us, especially my sister. My sister drew a line in the sand that day, but I still took on more of her abuse and added to my self-abuse through workaholism.

Over the last 18 months through attending meetings and working the steps of ACA I’ve set boundaries with my mom. One of our guiding principles is our take on the Serenity prayer “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage the change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.” I no longer stay at mom’s house when I’m in NY – I stay with other family or get a hotel. I decide how I want to spend a holiday as opposed to feeling guilted or obligated to be there which is often at my own detriment. I requested we set up weekly calls which helps me mentally and emotionally prepare for a call as opposed to her previous cold calls at odd hours. I do my best to be nice to her and remind myself she is not well, but she also hasn’t been for a long time and refuses to help herself. The worst part of every interaction with my mom is still the not knowing. Am I getting Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde? This trip to NY for my Grandmother’s services was fairly tame and I had my fiance with me as a human shield. We drove her to the church, took her to lunch, and our for a few errands. Lots of small talk and pleasantries, but I guess it’s better than yelling or crying. I’m not sure how the next few days and weeks will play out. Will she find relief from no longer being under my grandmother’s control or will things be bleaker? Either way I am working to release myself from any sense of responsibility to fix things, please her, or be perfect. To quote one of my favorite John Mayer lyrics, “I’m in repair, I’m not together, but I’m getting there.”

Note: Note my 20% stat is of children in alcoholic homes only 20% only have an alcoholic mother. Estimates are that ~45% of the population have been exposed to familial alcohol abuse and more than half of those are children.