So I plead my case in recent weeks to have my weekly telework day back. I was granted the request for this semester, but was told I would not likely get this opportunity to telework going forward (which is garbage), but I’ll take what I can get and I’ll fight my fall semester battles when the time comes…
Here in the DC Metro we had a winter storm advisory, but nothing near as crazy as places more coastal. However I do LOVE a snow day and we didn’t get ANY last year (well we got one, but I was traveling for work and missed out). But in addition to having some tasks I wanted to get done today at work I was really hoping for a delayed opening as opposed to a closure because I wanted to weigh in at my Weight Watchers at Work group!
We ended up with a 2 hour delay. So I got to SLEEP IN, had an easy commute (since some places were closed or others had varying delays). Plus my WW group meets at noon, so with an 11am open we were good to go!
Today was one woman in our group’s last meeting. In ~24 weeks she lost 35lbs – it was really inspiring to witness it and to hear her kind words to the group today.
Woohoo I interviewed and got an offer to teach an Urban Hiking (HFIT 196) class this spring. It’s a 6 week, one-credit Saturday class with up to 12 students. I get to take them on various DC trails and introduce the necessary hiking skills and concepts to hike for outdoor travel or as a recreational fitness activity. Content will cover fitness for hiking, route planning, proper clothing and gear, safety concerns, and environmental conditions.
I’m PUUUUMPED
I’m on a waitlist for a three session “Designing Your Life” workshop led by Professor Chris Palmer, a passionate advocate of personal growth and how people can become successful, productive, and fulfilled. Palmer is an author, film producer, and father.
In a recent article Chris Palmer offered up seven tips for designing a successful life:
This Friday I am headed down to where I used to live in Alabama for my first visit in almost 2 years!
This place is very special to me for many reasons, but especially so since it’s where I started running. It’s where I lost 45 lbs. It’s where I was finally able to take control of my life in more ways than just fitness.
I moved away in 2012, in fact, I pushed my started date at my new job in DC back a few weeks because I had the LA Marathon on the books. When I left my full-time Alabama residency I was arguably in the best shape of my life since my last day of work was the week following the marathon.
I’ve been back to visit 4 times since I’ve left. All of which in pretty good shape albeit not marathon shape. Getting back on the Weight Watchers train at the end of August and having a kick-ass September of working out has very much been extra motivated by the fact that I have my visit coming up and I’d like to be in the best shape I can be. I know that quite a few people got inspired to start running/working out/losing weight watching my journey while I was there. So I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little “pressure” to not let anyone down and to continue my success story. However, I’m also well aware that this is a lifelong journey. I’m just glad to report that 5.5 years later (or really 7.5 years since I started) I’m still fighting my daily fight to make good choices.
So remember last Tuesday when I was so excited to return to teleworking on Tuesdays. Well my big boss didn’t approve the request, she said wants “my regular presence” which is ABSOLUTE HORSESHIT. Also, that reason is the opposite of having a telework policy, which JUST was approved university-wide last fall.
My office moved locations last month and it’s evening quieter now over here, plus this is my “off season.” My boss told me last week and I was visually upset. He said he’ll approve “one-off” teleworking, but still. We talked about my self-care and desire to regain balance, it’s so infuriating.
I’m going to try and make a play for rotating telework days and see if the big boss will approve that. From a scheduling standpoint, it’s just easier to always schedule meetings around a regular telework day.
So I’m in the office today, which isn’t so terrible since we were off yesterday and I had an off-site retreat on Friday. However being deprived something that worked well in the spring and that I requested for self-care and balance is just ugh…I still really don’t have words. Talk about not feeling valued…
Through my job’s Employee Assistance Program I’m able to have 6 free sessions with a counselor. I just had my 3rd session this morning. I actually took it upon myself in late June to inquire about setting up an appointment and around that time when getting coffee with a trusted colleague (and having a complete breakdown) he also suggested I meet with her. I’m glad I have.
I haven’t gone to much counseling the last 10 years or so. I saw 1 or 2 therapists in high school around the time my parents separated and my Dad moved out. I also saw a school counselor in high school when I was going through some friend drama and after a car accident I was in as a new driver.
In college, I didn’t see anyone and really didn’t feel like I needed to. In grad school I had a faculty member who was a “confidant” of sorts and given her sociology background I would argue she was a pseudo-counselor. We mostly talked about me grappling with the fact that my Dad quietly came out of the closet as a gay man (have I ever shared that here before? I’m not sure – it’s still something I struggle to talk about since he died before I could fully embrace and understand) and how he was not out to my Mom and many other people back in NY (at this time he was living in Florida).
6 months after grad school my Dad unexpectedly died of complications of gastric bypass surgery. I had just started a new job in Texas only 2.5 hours from my Dad who was also now in Texas. So I went back to counseling for about 6 months before I moved to Alabama, that was 2008.
I’ve had loving and wonderful friendships and found community here, but since 2008 I haven’t sought professional help. This summer was a wake up call for self-care and not letting negative patterns repeat themselves. So my plan is to meet monthly with the work counselor for the remainder of the year and then I’ll likely find a counselor to see outside of this short-term work benefit. I am also planning to continue my ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings every other week. These meetings conflict with my FAVORITE Body Pump class and going to this class will also bring me joy, so the plan is to rotate between the two every week.
My lesson from today’s counseling session is: I’m ENOUGH
What this doesn’t full capture are the 80+ hour work weeks, that really started in March and didn’t let up until this week. Some of it was expected, some of it was an anomaly, some of it was a series of unfortunate events. This also doesn’t capture all the tears – I don’t think I’ve cried this much in my whole collective life as I’ve cried these past few months.
TL;DR version: This summer fucking sucked. I tried too hard once again to be a superstar. I did a hellava job, but at all cost. I think I finally learned that the end does not justify the means and that following the motto “whatever it takes” which has been drilled into me for years is bad advice. Also, home renovations suck to live through and pay for, now I just further feel like the things I own, own me – but at least unlike my job, I’m being owned by something pretty, useful, and designed by me!
Oh and we’ve made zero actual wedding plans and if one more person asks me I’m going to flip my shit because when could I have possibly found the time between the 80+ work weeks, crushing work stress, insomnia, home renovations, dog health scares, and working on my G-D own well-being.
Full scoop after the break
May: Mid-May is basically where I left you (and Weight Watchers tracking). During the second half of May I welcomed and on-boarded 1 new full-time staff member and 3 graduate interns (each on seperate days because, of course). Also, it was the final rush towards preparing for our 20 person student staff training and summer large scale programming. I secured a loan for home improvements and we started bathroom demo and remodeling with a contractor (I researched and met with many the 6 weeks prior to the project beginning). Attended wedding 1 of 3 of the summer. Oh and my car died like 2 miles from home in the rain, but it was revived for like $1500.
June: Full sprint of summer student staff retreat and training for 2 weeks, along with making sure all my summer program ducks were in a row for our first of 6 sessions which kicked off 6/19. Some major personal life drama I don’t want to get into (yes even here, I can’t). I was in a Friday wedding which required 2 days off work, but it was lovely and then had another wedding the following Friday (yeesh these Friday weddings are killing me, I had to skip one this month and have another in October). Ran 4 our of 6 summer sessions, while dealing some a lot of team dynamics and a very immature student staff – probably the worst I’ve had in all my 16 years doing what I do. Bathroom remodel wrapped in early followed by kitchen demo and remodel (and allllllll the choices that come with it, project got delayed 2 weeks because I had a last minute change of heart for the backsplash which required ordering new materials, but it was ultimately worth it), however living without a kitchen and in a construction zone was hard.
July: I was in BAD shape at this point, I was even down to the high 180s due to stress and lack of appetite. We skipped a 4th of July trip to NYC in order to have a brief staycation. Made an appointment with a counselor at work to help me begin to manage all the stress and emotions (I never put myself first). I ran my last 2 summer events. I went to my first Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting (and have continued to go weekly so far). I tried to get on top of the workload and somewhat ahead since I had my vacation planned. my dog Fred has some MAJOR health issues which cost me a lot of money, stress, and tears. He’s okay now, but he’s going to be 10 so it’s just managing meds, diet, behavior, etc. Left for a week at the Outer Banks, Duck specifically, on 7/30 and stayed the week.
August: The beach was perfection. We had a cute house a 5-minute walk from the beach, I could still hear and smell the ocean from the porches/decks. The house I picked (way back in Feb) was pet-friendly and the plan was to bring Fred all along, thank goodness because I wouldn’t have been able to leave him given his health scare. I limited my screen times, never checked work email, did yoga a few times and week and tried to relax. Oh and I rang in my 34th birthday was I was there – with little to no fanfare, but I wasn’t in the mood this year. I gave myself an extra day off after the beach before returning to work. The kitchen got finished right before we left so we got to put everything away and start to settle into it. Jumped back into a lot of work stress, but the finish line was in sight. Last week was non-stop events and programs, but it all went well. I even got an email of recognition from my new university President’s private email account which I will treasure. My programs directly served almost 1,900 students and 1,400 parents/family members. My staff included 20 students, 3 head students, 3 grad interns, 1 assistant director and me. I was leading everyone and I’ve only been here just over a year, so it was the blind leading the blind at times which also was very stressful.
In summary
I had to face some of my inner demons and scars – some of which I didn’t even know we there until recently. I need to make myself and my happiness a priority because no matter how hard I work at something outside of myself, I’m not going to be truly happy unless I do the internal work. There is always going to be to-do lists, there is always going to be pressure, there is always going to be unanswered emails, and trying to conquer it all to prove I’m a “good little employee” is not going to make me feel any of the self-worth I’ve apparently been chasing my whole life (this was a recent a-ha moment too and one I share with other Adult Children of Alcoholics).
So I need to set work boundaries – not work more than the 35 hours I’m getting paid for, I need to not check e-mail when I’m off the clock, I need to take my lunch hour. I need to go to fitness classes and write both here and in my paper journal. I need to dig into the parts of myself that I’ve pushed down for years and face some stuff head on in hopes to get past it.
This summer almost broke me on many levels and I certainly feel broken, but to quote John Mayer “I’m in repair, I’m not together, but I’m getting there…”
After a long 3 months of orientation madness, telework Tuesdays are back! #PJs #Fred #endlesscoffee #soundoftherain
I’m alive…barely. Trying to not get crushed by the weight of my job and home renovations.
Weighed yesterday: 190.6
and at weight watchers today I was 190.4