Month: January 2015

Looking for an Equal

In one episode of HIMYM they discuss how in most relationships there is a reacher and a settler. Putting aside how often that is the case for relationships in general, I was thinking about my relationships. 

–possible trigger warning for some folks about ego/insecurities– 

Most of my more successful relationships have been ones where I was in my mind “the settler.” Now don’t get me wrong I’ve done my fair share of “reaching” however it’s really never worked out, I generally end up hurt.

I think a lot of relationship dynamics for me come down to my self-esteem/confidence or lack there of at times. My insecure self has usually found comfort or safety for my fragile ego with someone when I think I’m more of a catch (be it that I was more educated or attractive or happy or caring or cultured, etc).

A big part of caring for someone else is first caring for yourself. I’m better at caring for myself when my ego is inflated. As a Leo, I’ve read so much about how we are really delicate kittens behind our roars. I am such a queen of bravado. I’ve been stuck with a bum wrap for having a big head/ego at times, but it was a tactic I used to say things about myself that I WISHED other people were saying or thinking about me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is at after almost 7 months with T, I couldn’t figure out between us who is reaching and who is settling. I feel like he’s such a catch, but I also feel really good about myself and us. What I’ve come to realize is it’s because I think I’ve found an equal.

I’ve never been in a relationship where I feel like we are on the same level. With T it’s such a back and forth of learning, compliments, humor, caring, sharing, etc. I’m just so happy it’s grotesque and I can’t believe (in a wonderful way) that he’s as happy with me as I am with him. 

Sorry I felt like I needed to word vomit this post, I’ll try and get back to our regularly scheduled posts! 

REAL talk with my OBGYN

Gotta love kicking off a new year with an annual exam. I was due to go at the end of November, but months ago when I called to schedule I couldn’t get an appointment until today. 

I came in armed with questions today about family planning or in my current case not ready for babies yet planning. 

If you know me in real life, perhaps this is a good time to stop reading.

I was a late bloomer sexually compared to many, but I bloomed at the right time for me and waited for love. However I’ve always been terrified of getting pregnant, I blame my mother for instilling an overly irrational fear (my mother’s mother’s sister got pregnant as a teenager and my grandmother got blamed for it by her parents for not “watching” her which lead to a long line of fear/guilt). ANYWAY. 

So when it came to sex there couldn’t be too many precautions in my mind. Without being too specific on the internet I was overdoing it with the birth control precautions and lately it had been getting in the way – in the sense that I got overly anxious about all the precautions. Recently I’ve had some educational conversations with a colleague in the sexual health office on campus and I’ve read a lot, but I’ve been eager for today, to ask my doctor some point blank questions.

It was SUPER uncomfortable for me to ask these point blank questions and get in to detail, however it was also good to talk to an expert and get real answers, by someone who knows my body and my health and has my best interest in mind. We talked through a rational birth control plan and I feel better. 

He did also ask about my desire to have children in the future, to which I told him I was really uncertain. He said I was (at 31) “still fairly young compared to his other patients in Northern Virginia.” He said most of his patients these days aren’t getting married until they are 33-34. He says it isn’t uncommon for him to see women in their 40s having children, but he said ideally if I were to start trying, I should start by 35.  

Education is power folks. I also know I need to give myself breast exams every single month, as opposed to randomly. It’s best to do it right after you finish your period each month. I’m going to resolve to do them monthly starting this year. My doctor did mine today, but February I’m on it! 

5 years and counting

I started this blog to document my effort to lose weight and get healthy 5 year ago this week. My 2010 self wrote:

I’m committed to changing my diet and lifestyle this year.
I have been on a half ass diet for most of my adult life, that has yielded limited or temporary results.

Well I’m dedicated this year. I’m testing my self, my mind, my body and my soul.

Thank you 2010 self for having the courage to start. It was scary and uncertain, but the decision/resolution (in the truest sense of the word) has lead me to a life of health and happiness. The changes I started making 5 years ago still continues. Many come with successes, but there are still times I falter or fail.

As a starting point for 2015 I’m on a mission to lose the weight I let myself gain over the holidays. I have a few spring races on my radar and eager to see what big challenge I want to take on this year – an ultra team Ragnar? An Oly tri? a century ride? Perhaps all of those things and more!