Tag: MLabout

The Tall and Short of It: An Epiphany

When it comes to body image, my weight is/was only one part of my issue with my size.

Not only did a spend a majority of my life overweight, but I’ve always been “the tall girl.” I was one of a few girls that shot up in 5th-6th grade and had to wait until high school for guys to catch up…and in many cases I’m still waiting on them to catch up.

I’ve lost nearly 50 pounds, but regardless of how much weight I lose I will always be big at 5 foot 9.5 inches tall. 

Being big has always been a hang up for me when it comes to dating. 

Last weekend I went out with a guy who was 6’2 – it was amazing how little and confident I felt. Yesterday I went out with a guy who was like 5’10. In fact my roommate texted me to ask how tall he was while I was out because in less than 3 months of being my roommate she knows how height is such an issue for me. I just have a hard time feeling attractive around guys who are close in height to me and in turn being attracted to them.

As I was talking to my roommate about this after the date and IT HIT ME. Since the average american man is 5’10 and woman is 5’4 if I date guys who are an average height I’m considered/perceived as the BIG one – the weirdo. I then think of my roommate who is 5’4 and her ex boyfriend was like 5’8 and he was considered the LITTLE one – the weirdo.

I can’t win unless I date a guy who is above average in height. My big issue is being the “stand out” or weirdo. 

I want a big tall guy, but they are so far and few in between. My self confidence is always SO different in the presence of other tall people (even other tall woman), because it makes me feel less like a weird giant. 

I’m way above average in terms of height and the only way to not feel big is to be around other above average height people, and this is especially true when it comes to romantic relationships.

I hate that I write people off for not being tall enough, but my self image is so closely connected to the sense of feeling like a big giant and feeling like not the big one is something really important to me right now. I’ve put in too much damn work to not be perceived as BIG.

2 year weight loss kick off anniversary

January 11, 2010

I dove into blogging privately on blogspot to track my weight loss. 2010 – in my mind it was now or never. I never intended any of this to be public, but in April I learned about the Fitblr Community from Mr365 and TracyTakesOn (or whatever name she is using these days!) I migrated over in May and never looked back.

I just looked through all my facebook tagged photos and it’s really amazing to see what losing 45 pounds, gaining confidence and having a passion (in running) ignited looks like in photos. 

I want to always remember the woman who wrote these words two years ago. I never want to go back, but I am so thankful she started the journey of taking back control of her life! I hope I can honor her this year by finally hitting my UGW and getting those radio head lyrics tattooed on my ribs!

How Do You Measure a Year?

I knew in 2010 I wanted to make big life changes. Aftering a conversation with a friend during a long roadtrip I took the challenge to measure my year in “cups of coffee” as per the song seasons of love in RENT.

For the past 2 weeks I have been tracking my coffee intake and it got me thinking about tracking other things as well. This blog will be my living journal as I track these aspects of my life:

My weight
How often I go to the gym
What I did at the gym
How many miles I run on a tredmill
How many calories I burned at the gym
If I have not eaten after 9pm
How many times a day I wake up early to take a long walk with my dog

I’m committed to changing my diet and lifestyle this year.
I have been on a half ass diet for most of my adult life, that has yielded limited or temporary results.

I’d say the last time I really felt good about myself was my sophomore year of college/beginning of junior year. Looking back I really looked pretty great. Strangely enough I have no idea how much I weighed then either, therefore I don’t have how far off I am from getting there again.
I’d say I was also in decent shape my last semester of grad school. I even have TONS of great clothes from that period that I would love to wear again.

Well I’m dedicated this year. I’m testing my self, my mind, my body and my soul.
If I’m not successful in OH-TEN than I think I’m going to commit to being fat.

My dad struggled most of his life with weight and yo-yoing. He was heavy for most of my youth and then in high school he lost 100 pounds with slimfast, diet, and exercise. He even kept it off for 6-8years. It was when he retired that he started putting on weight again and obviously defeated he let him self gain nearly all of that weight back. His unhappiness with his body ultimately led him to get gastric bypass surgery which killed him.

I want to love my body, whichever body I am supposed to have and maintain. So if things don’t work out for me this year (which is a trial run, which if successful I plan to keep up for the rest of my life) than I want to stop trying to reach for something that is impossible and just learn to love myself where ever I’m at.

Now don’t get me wrong I will always want to stay healthy…I want stay active and try and eat right, but I think this is a test of my state of mind, body and soul.

Seriously, why halfway diet if you get no results. My body tends to like where it’s at regardless of what I eat or don’t eat, exercise or don’t exercise. So in 2011 if big changes haven’t happened I think I’m going to be content with how I look, but I can’t be content unless I try my darnedest within reason.

I have no plans to act like a biggest loser contestant, but I do plan on monitoring my sugar intake (my mom did that and transformed her body and her life),I also want to eliminate late night eating (only liquids after 9pm), in addition to going to the gym at least 4 times a week (I would like to try and get to a 10 minute mile on the treadmill), I want to walk more (morning walks with Freddie before work to get my blood pumping, parking farther at work, etc).

Ideally I’d like to lose 5 lbs a month (which means 40 pounds by my birthday which would be magical). I am only going to weigh myself on Fridays, instead of obsessively weighing myself. I’m on a kick of writing lots of things down (thanks in part to my coffee count) I have made a nightly checklist so to speak to keep my self accountable. I also think writing all this in blog form also makes me accountable. I not only said it, but I WROTE it for the whole world to see (not like the whole world reads this), so it’s pressure, but good pressure.

My mantra may come from a weird place, but it has been speaking to me nearly a year now:

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

It’s from Radiohead’s song “Creep”, but the lyrics really stood out to me when David Cook covered it in his old band Axium. Obviously I’m not looking to fit popculture’s definition of perfection, but rather the best version of myself.

If I meet my goal, I would also like to get those lyrics tattooed on my side/ribs. Recently I been to writing the lyrics everywhere to serve as a reminder of the task at hand.

I think this is all truly attainable. The only way I could fail is if I LET MYSELF FAIL.

I encourage you all to ask me how I’m doing and to keep me in your thoughts and prayers on my journey this year

Weekend In Review (Thus Far)

  • Had a date last night with the Army guy I’ve been casually seeing for a few weeks. We’re not exclusive, but we have some established rules so to speak. 
  • Ran 15 miles at my EXACT marathon-goal pace in nearly 60 degree perfect weather.
  • Worked/ing on a presentation for a job interview I have on Monday in the DC area.
  • Briefly logged into OKC for the first time in a few days and stumbled across a cute guy who I’d never seen before in my “search results” he messages me and we end up talking on OKC for an hour (turns out he just moved here last week from Nashville). Then we talked on the phone briefly and now made plans to get coffee with him in 2 hours  – because I’m “so beautiful/hot he can’t stand the thought of waiting any longer to meet me” (should I be flattered or scared? however he’s 6’5 and very cute, so I’m going with flattered).
  • After coffee date I need to go to Khols to buy a shirt for my interview, but the rest of my interview suit is perfection. 
  • Still need to work on my presentation because I’m flying to DC tomorrow afternoon for the interview that is Monday.

So yeah, there’s that. WHO AM I??????????

(Answer: I don’t care, but I love her)

My fitness Christmas!

My aunt pulled through and got me all these goodies for Christmas!

Running gloves, 6 pair of dri fit socks, Candace Cameron (aka DJ from Full House)’s book about her physical and spiritual fitness, $25 itunes gift card, Runner’s World book, Ripped in 30 and Prefonatine!!

I’m in love with all these goodies. I’m so thankful that she is supportive of my running!

Next 48 hours

  • Tie up loose ends in the office this afternoon
  • Start packing for 2 weeks back ‘home’
  • Lay on the couch watching The Holiday with a delicious Fresh Balsam candle that I’m obsessed with burning
  • Sleep for a ridiculously long time, like 12 hours
  • Eat a small breakfast
  • Run 12 miles
  • Shower
  • Mani/Pedi and I’m paying extra for a super relaxing pedicure 
  • Some Christmas shopping
  • More Packing
  • Sleep
  • Coffee with a former student
  • Start my winter break drive Northward

Meetup Success!

I had such a fun time with these ladies. We talked about all kinds of things, from work to running to NYC to gossip to eating habits to gym memberships to full house to working in porn (okay I brought that up in reference to my boobs).

Lots of laughter and great conversation. It made me wish I could be around such positive, fun, health-conscious, urban women on a regular basis.

The highlight of the night for me came as we were saying our goodbyes and 94monkeys told me I was just like how I represented myself on my blog. That was such a compliment! I strive to really be authentic (both the good and the bad of my life is here) and it was great to know that I accurately portray myself.

Looking forward to another meetup in December!