Tag: MLvulnerability

A Change is Gonna Come…

It’s 3 weeks until my 30th birthday and I’ve finally had ENOUGH of feeling sad and out of control. I want to start off my 3rd decade on the right foot. 

I just finished Dr. Meg Jay’s “The Defining Decade” which is about making the most of your twentysomething years – I saw her TED talk in May which inspired me to buy her book. Based on how I spent my twentysomething years I’m ahead of the curve in some aspects and behind the curve on others. I’m taking stock of that all and I would like to start going to therapy again to help me through some of this. I went to therapy in high school and then years later after my dad died, but I haven’t gone since 2008. It’s time, there’s some stuff I need to work through and work on. I want to make the most of my thritysomething years and make the life I want a reality. 

I’m getting back on the insanity bandwagon after falling off while on vacation for 4th of July, despite making to day 50 of the program. I’m tired of not wanting to buy new clothes because I don’t like the size I am, and I’m tired of not feeling comfortable or confident in the clothes I do have. 

I know I can’t make drastic changes in a week, but I can set and goal and make plans to get there. 

I’m implenting some Year 30 resoultions

  • Buy 1 nice piece of clothing every pay period that can be a wardrobe staple (regardless of what size I am, I need to dress me NOW and I can always get things taken in)
  • Buy 1 quality make up product per month
  • Go on at least 1 date a month
  • Dress UP for work 1x a week (despite the fact it’s a rather casual environment, I miss having a reasons to dress up – once the semester starts I plan to dress up on Thursdays which is the day I will be teaching my class)
  • Say yes to at least 1 social engagment a month that I might otherwise opt out of
  • Go to church every Sunday that I can
  • BLOG MORE. I’M ALWAYS MY MOST HEALTHIEST AND HAPPIEST WHEN I’M BLOGGING. I hope to rebuild relationships with all my fellow writers and readers.

One Twenty Five: So. I’m not in the best place right now. Mentally & otherwise. It’s…

One Twenty Five: So. I’m not in the best place right now. Mentally & otherwise. It’s…

one-twenty-five:

So. I’m not in the best place right now. Mentally & otherwise. It’s kind of hard for me to admit this, but essentially I hate my life right now, and consequently me. The worst part is I can step outside my skin, and see myself from a third party’s perspective; see our utterly ridiculous I am…

Preach sister. I can relate on so many levels.

but it’s only because you’re so worried about making bad decisions. you over think it and make a decision to do nothing

my roommate

This may be the most “A-Ha” thing anyone has ever said to me ever. I am truly my own worst enemy.

She went on to say:  being scared or playing it safe can rob you of some seriously amazing experiences. sure, sometimes it’ll come back to bite you. but even that is worth it, if you learn from it

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes

Thanks for all the notes and messages after my post last week. I’ve had a really hard 8 weeks with the last 4 being almost unbearable at times. I am so passionate about my work and to work with others who are not is challenging. I’ve also had my right hand at work on maternity leave these past 10 weeks – I didn’t realize just how much a of a team we were until she was gone. Thankfully she’ll be back 2 weeks from today!

I’ve had some really low points lately, but thanks to my friends (both near and far) and a much needed weekend of doing only things I wanted to do (pedicure, visits with friends, dvr, sleeping, yoga, insanity workout, church and some MAJOR cleaning/organizing/tossing) I am in a much better place. I still a ways to get back to where I was (or better), but I’m optimistic 

TC: I don’t know how to be a skinny girl

via thoughtcatalog

I was looking in the mirror a few days ago at my mom’s house, because being in a different house with different mirrors — full-length mirrors, at that — really helped me see where I’ve made huge strides in losing 23 pounds since February. I actually see a fitter girl now. I can physically see a skinny girl coming together. And you would think that would make me feel overjoyed, freaking amazing, ready to run a marathon because I’m so excited by the prospect of finally being where I’ve always wanted to be. And to a certain extent it does, but there’s another part that looms saying that prospect is scary. Terrifying, even, because of one thing.

I don’t know how to BE a skinny girl.

And that sounds weird to say. There shouldn’t and isn’t really a way of “being” a skinny girl or a fat girl. You just develop your personality the way you develop it, and for some that means different things than for others. But the thing is, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. I started gaining a lot of weight when I was about 12, and went up and down throughout the next 10 years of my life. I got used to being the fat friend, the fat classmate, the fat family member.

And those weren’t all necessarily negative roles to me, I just adapted to them. I learned to accept the fact that I would never fit into clothes at Wet Seal, where my 4’11″, 95-pound friend could shop, or any of my other naturally skinny friends. I learned to accept that I wouldn’t get hit on at the water park or restaurants, or get asked to dances. That’s just how it was. I had pretty good friends who accepted me the way I was, a family that loved me the way I was, so why be that invested in changing it? Too much work.

But my personality developed around those roles. I learned to use sarcasm, self-deprecation and dry wit to gain people’s affection, making them laugh. I learned nuanced details about friends that others didn’t take the time to do, and I was always, ALWAYS there for them. I learned to seek out the misfits like I felt I was, and let irritation and jealousy take over when it came to the girls I secretly wanted to be more like. I learned to dislike them for their popularity with boys, for the way their clothes would always look better than mine, for the bikinis they wore all summer. I would never be those girls, so I might as well hate them (though hate is a strong word… I just strongly disliked them).

But now I’m faced with the prospect of being one of them, and I have no idea what that means. I find I don’t know how to shop for my body anymore, because it’s so different, but not yet where I want it to be. I don’t need to shop exclusively for shirts that don’t show my stomach. I don’t need to compensate with my boobs so much. I don’t have to shy away from tank tops and tube tops and shorts as much anymore. But that isn’t how I’ve ever dressed my body, so it’s all completely foreign. How much can I show off without being at goal weight? Will I ever feel okay wearing a bikini? How short of shorts are too short? Will people think I’m slutty, like I used to think of some of those girls? God, I was a judgmental little jerk. How can I not feel like a hypocrite if I turn to this lifestyle?

I know I’m overthinking it all. I know that it’s not about all of this — it’s about being healthier, happier, more confident. And all of those things are happening. But the tangential feelings still matter, and they’re still scary as hell. It’s like getting to know yourself all over again.

But at least, so far, I like the new me. That’s a positive step as well.