Tag: MLvulnerability

Everything in Moderation

Including my boyfriend.

We’re been dating for a little over 3 months and it’s safe to say we’ve had a great “honeymoon” period. We’ve spent A LOT of time together these past 3 months – which is extra impressive because we live 100 miles apart. I’ve sacrificed a lot to see him as much as I do. However essentially gaining 8 pounds since we’ve been dating is not cutting it. I am not willing to sacrifice the year of work I put in taking off 42 pounds and I still want to lost ~25 pounds. Plus I know that weight loss and maintenance is a FOREVER commitment.

I signed up for that half marathon in April and I am NOT ready for it. I CAN be, but I have to WORK WORK WORK for it. I need to train. I need to be running 5 days a week and I need to eat as cleanly as possible, NO CHEATING AT ALL.

I keep thinking about this post I wrote in October:

Sunday, October 10, 2010

3 Hour Throwdown

Days like today I’m actually thankful I don’t have a significant other or kids. I spent 3 hours today exercising. I ran 5 miles to the gym – in 90 degree weather mind you despite the fact that we had a cold snap last week. Then did an hour of yoga at the gym and ran 5 miles back home. 

3 hours of just exercise and I love it. It made me really think about kicking into full marathon training gear because I have the time for it.

I remember thinking how hard it must be to balance a significant other or a family WHILE trying to lose weight and how having time was a perk of being young and single. Running was my boyfriend…haha.

Now here I am trying to balance my time between things I love – running and my boyfriend. I should also mention my friends and me time – I’ve not given enough time to those things either recently.

I’ve seen him EVERY weekend in 2011, which is great, but not healthy or balanced. Today I decided that instead of spending this weekend with him, I am spending it on focusing myself. I am going to work on my running/social plans/schedule, get outside and run, prep some meals, see my friends, sleep, catch up on tivo and laundry. Am I going to miss him? Yes, but I need to make time for all the other things I love too. I need to work on balance.

Here’s part of an email I wrote him (I often express how I really feel better in written words than out loud- I blame all my blogging) I’ve never hid anything much from you guys, so why start now.

I could so easily get wrapped up entirely in you – and sometimes that’s exactly what I want. It’s crazy how different my life is now. For YEARS my weekends were all about me, my wants and my schedule. For many of those years I was lazy or slept too much or drank too much or shopped too much – but in 2010 I got a handle on my life and so much of it came from diet and exercise. I know that you don’t really understand, but it’s more than how I look. It’s how I feel. It’s having control. It’s challenging myself and pushing my limits. It’s knowing that I’m working harder than most people. It’s that I’m making the  hard choice to be healthy. I have never felt more confident or in control of my life when I was training for and running those half marathons in October. However it’s hard to keep up with the training and lifestyle that it takes to be in an elite class of runners. It was a daily challenge when it was just me.
 
Now that you’re in the mix it’s hard. It’s hard for me to put off getting to see you because I have to go run. Or for me to leave you for an hour or so to go run. It’s hard to not want to have a glass of wine with you or resist all the delicious food you cook. It’s funny you always say you are a hungry guy and you love food and I can SO relate, but I spent last year sacrificing my love of food for running. I wouldnt have ANYTHING bad in the house because it’s so hard for me to resist temptation. However I don’t regret any of the sacrifices I’ve made for running – it is worth it and I know that. I hate that I have to sacrifice some time with you, but it’s how it has to be, how I need it to be.

He handled my email well “I told you from the beginning that I am your number one fan and will always support your choices and decisions. So whatever that means you need me to do, I will.”

So I outlined for him what my plans are:

I guess the best way for you to support and encourage me is to understand my plans – what I have done in the past and what works for me
*Run/exercise 4-5x a week. Even if that means leaving you on the couch, or not coming to see you until later – you maybe even have to push me out of the bed to go, but I want you too.
*I am also going to cut back on my drinking. Only drink alcohol 1x a week – no casual beer or wine here and there anymore for me – or if i do it’s all i get for the week.
*No soda at all.
*I may bring my own breakfast/lunch foods to your place or cook 2 different things when you are here. I generally eat oatmeal and yogurt with fruit in the morning. a turkey sandwich thin midday. lunch, a pre/post gym protein snack, dinner.
*I also need to cut back dramatically on sugars (sweets, carbs)
*No eating after 9pm

I know this may sound crazy to you, but it’s what I stuck to last year and what I’d like to keep up this year too. I know that you love me no matter what I look like, but I really want nothing more than to be HEALHTY – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I need to make sure I’m working on all those areas. Physical health will aid to my mental and emotional health. I’m not asking you to understand, but I’m happy I have you as my number 1 cheerleader.

He’s so wonderful and I am so happy, but I know that I could be so much more happy if I had my fitness and nutrition where it once was in addition to balance overall.

I would much appreciate any advice from those of you that are successfully (or at least trying to be successful) balancing your fitness with your significant other and your life in general.  

Perky Bounce

I’ve always loved my boobs, but they were always SO saggy. Always. I never remember even at like 15 having perky boobs. They were always big D/DDs.

Well over the past few months the girls have lost some weight and apparently gained some confidence because my skin has tightened up and my boobs are perky. YES PERKY. They look and feel different. I LOVE them even more. I also love that my bras don’t have to “work as hard” – chesty ladies you know what I’m talking about.

It’s interesting how I always used to dress like FOR my boobs – because I thought they were my best asset, but my whole body is my best asset and my boobs are part of it. It’s funny how I often I now wear tanks/layering shirts under low cut shirts that I used to wear without anything underneath.

I’m Baaaaaaack

My Mantra:

I don’t care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.

Life has throw me a few curveballs lately and my head wasn’t in the right place to work on my body so the past few weeks I have been focused on improving my spiritual health. The boyfriend and I have been going to church the past 3 out of 4 weeks. A co-worker also gave me a daily devotion book that I have found a lot of comfort in. 

Today I finally am ready to focus back on my body. I went to yoga today which was a great way of combining my body with my soul. I also did a mile on the treadmill to ease my body back into things. 

I felt great. I have a renewed dedication and the mindset to get things done. 

Mind. Body. Spirit.

It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. For me. And I’m feeling good.

I’ve had a harrowing few weeks, but learned so much about myself and what I want in the process. I’ll be back very soon tumblr. I promise.

WIW – Out of Order Edition

This Week: 182.4

2 Weeks Ago: 179.0

Work is stressful.

Diet/exercise is practically nonexistent.

However my love life is fantastic.

I fell off the wagon in December and it’s been extremely hard for me to get back on. I am such a creature of habit and routine (despite the fact that I tell myself I’m a impulsive free spirit). The start of the semester is always hella crazy and trying to get into a new groove is always challenging.

Plus I have an on campus interview at Columbia University next week which is both stressful and exciting. I have so many emotions about it and it’s not helping me focus and get a routine. If I get the Columbia job (and take it for that matter) I’d need to be there pretty quickly. W is supportive of me moving, but things are still so new between us. Part of the reason I wanted to move back to the Northeast was to start my “life” and find a serious relationship. That’s been my plan for so long. Now here I am in a serious relationship, but I still want a new job and city.

I feel so unsettled and that’s my biggest hurdle in getting my act together. I need to stop trying to wait things out. I need to just handle things day by day. With that being said my gym bag is packed and I’m going to spin class tonight and do some treadmill running too.

This has been floating around facebook this weekend and it makes me want to throw up. 8th grade class photo. I was the fat girl (row of standing girls 5th on from the right is me). Just looking at it makes me want to cry. If it was this time last year I might have cried, but I’ve worked so hard this year and my life is too wonderful right now. It’s interesting to be getting facebook friend requests from these people who I went to school with for 8ish years and havent seen much of since. I’m pleased to say my life is far better and brighter than many of theirs.

I believe in honesty and truthfulness

weightwasagift replied to your post: WIW – Horror Edition

I heart this for your honesty and also because I too gained over the past week and was just questioning “how to put it.” We can make it better!

Thank you to everyone who posted your love and support on my last post. This comment hits close to home. HONESTY. It’s so important that we are honest with ourselves. Yeah a gain SUCKSSS, but it happened. I am not perfect or together and I have never had any intention to ever make it seem like I am.

I challenge you all to post about your failures not just your successes. To quote Mr. 365 “This shit ain’t easy.” If it was easy EVERYONE would be healthy and fit. I’ll take the bad with the good, the ups and the downs, but I know I’m going to come out on top at the end of all this.

*The title of this post comes from a line of the Auburn Creed – Which I am going to post in a few minutes because I find it motivating and want to share with all of you!

Boyfriend Weight

I’m worried that I’m gaining boyfriend weight. Losing these last 20 pounds is very important to me, but even more than weight loss/gain is keeping on top of my running.

For the past 6 months I have been eating, breathing and sleeping RUNNING.

Running has been the most important thing in my life. Running has made me very happy. Don’t get me wrong running still makes me very happy, but Wiley makes me even happier. However I am so wrapped up in him and it’s taken a toll on my sleeping, eating, and running schedules.

Dealing with Christmas, cold weather and lack of daylight hours to run in were all things that I anticipated derailing me at times, but I wasn’t prepared to be blindsided by a boyfriend. Yes this is all new and exciting, but I need to focus and regain control.

This past week of marathon training needs a “do over” (confession I only ran 6 miles instead of 11 on Saturday and feel like such a failure). My only saving grace is that I built in a few extra training weeks, but I’m THISCLOSE to officially registering for Los Angeles. I’m scared about running a full, but I know I should trust the training. However I need to fucking TRAIN. I need to re-commit to running first and foremost.

I’m asking you guys to also help keep me accountable. I’ve been “too quiet” on here lately and it’s because I’m not working as hard as I should be.

And before you ask, yes I have somewhat talked to W about all this, but it really hit me today and I need to be clear with him about my priorities.

10 years

A good friend of mine totaled his car today, thankfully both him and his passenger are fine.

I then weirdly realized that today is the 10 year anniversary of my car accident in high school. It was devastating. I had had my license for 3 months and had been making payments on a NEW CAR THAT I WORKED ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL TO BUY. This day back in 2000 was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. We didn’t have classes, but we had mass (I went to a private catholic high school). I usually skipped days that were just mass, but since it was my senior year I figured I would go. I was making a left to park behind my high school and was hit by a mini van. I NEVER saw the mini van. Thankfully the front of my car took the damage and me and my passenger were fine. The car wasn’t totaled, but it had A LOT OF DAMAGE. After I got it back my mom wouldn’t let me drive to HS the rest of the year. I eventually had to sell my nice “new” (aka had the whole front of the car fixed) and ended up getting an older Jeep my sophomore year of college. I loved that Jeep and only cracked a tail light on it over 5 years! 

November was a shitty month this past decade. 2000 – Car Accident, 2001 – Grandma passes away, 2007 – Dad passes away.

THANKFULLY 2010 as a whole is a new slate and has been very good to me. I have high hopes for this decade. Big things are gonna happen.

Missing you everyday Daddy: April 25, 1949 – November 18, 2007

My Dad was awesome. He is pretty much the reason why I am as awesome as I am. My Dad was born in Brooklyn and raised on Long Island in the same town I grew up in. He was the first in his family to graduate college (with a Art degree) and after being a hippie in Southern California he went back for a Masters in Education.

My Dad was an art teacher in a low income, minority school district and he LOVED IT. He spent his ENTIRE career there (33 years). After teaching for 20ish years he went on to administration. He was a middle school assistant principal for a number of years and a high school assistant principal for a number of years. They wanted him to be principal, but he didn’t want to deal with politics.

When I was in first grade my Dad started a Saturday enrichment program for K-12 students, he ran the program for 12 years. Some of my favorite childhood memories were from that program. My Dad also piloted a night school program within the school district so people could get their HS diplomas.

My Dad was a pretty big deal in the K-12 Education world. Even after he retired he couldn’t stay away. The last year of his life he was teaching in an education certificate program at a Dallas Community College.

My Dad was great at what he did. He was loved, feared and respected. I see so much of him in myself.

I should also mention that my Dad was and probably will forever be the funniest person I ever knew. He was witty, sarcastic, smart, quick, etc. Freakin’ hilarious. I thank him for my stellar sense of humor.

We both loved the beach, margarita swirls, Broadway musicals, slot machines, Law & Order: SVU, etc.

The last 3-4 years of his life I pretty much talked to him everyday, even multiple times a day. Since he was retired he was available to talk whenever. I generally would call him when I was walking to and from class in grad school. Even if it was just a few minutes we’d have a great chat. I can honestly say we were best friends.

When I think of my Dad the first thing that comes to mind is the laughter. It makes me sad that so many people in my life didn’t get to meet him or will never have the chance. He would have been such an awesome Grandfather, awesome.

I do still plan on dancing to “On the Street Where You Live” from My Fair Lady at my wedding one day. It was a song he always sang to me when I was little and we always talked about dancing to it at my wedding. I’m not quite sure who I’ll dance with, maybe my sister.

To close one of the readings at his funeral was from Ecclesistes 3:1 and I find this part so fitting:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance…

Today is a time laugh and celebrate.

Love you Daddy!

***I need to scan these pictures, but for the sake of getting them on here I took pictures of the hard copy. Terrible I know