Tag: MLvulnerability

Dad’s gift to me

Warning: My Opinion on/Experience with Gastric Bypass

This week there has been some buzz about gastric bypass on here and I guess picking up where I left off last week when I was blogging about my dad.

He had the surgery at a private, outpatient hospital that pretty much only did gastric bypass and lapband surgery in Dallas. The surgery itself was OK, but the aftercare or LACK THERE OF was what lead to his death. His surgery was on Thursday, November 15, 2007 and he died Sunday, November 18, 2007 – there was ample time to save him. He essentially slowly bled internally to death.

He had the surgery Thursday morning and was supposed to be released Friday. I should mention I wasn’t at the hospital until after he died. He didn’t think I needed to be down there for the surgery, he had his friends that were going to take care of him after surgery. He downplayed everything and I truly regret not going to the hospital at any point in time and making demands – however I was naive to so much of the situation and blaming myself isn’t going to solve anything.

Anyway surgery was Thursday, he was supposed to be released Friday. Well his stats were low/not as strong as they should have been (medical jargon is not my strong suit). So the hospital decided to keep him another day. Well Saturday they were about to RELEASE HIM when one of his friends noticed that his incisions were STILL bleeding through the gauze and that my dad really shouldn’t go home like that. So they re-admitted/didn’t finish releasing him and he stayed in the hospital on Saturday. I talked to him both Thursday and Saturday and there was a MAJOR difference. It was scary, but he said it was just the meds that were making him sound so tired and weak. I will never forgot how his voice sounded. We talked briefly and told each other that we loved one another and how I was excited to come down on Tuesday and see him (I had been planning to come all along on Tuesday night to hang out with him before flying to NY on Wednesday for Thanksgiving that year). I had A LOT of trouble sleeping that night.

Sunday morning 6:30am my phone rings. I knew before I answered the phone that he was dead. I was devastated, I still am. My whole entire world forever changed.

A friend drives me the 2.5 hours to Dallas because I am in no condition to drive – I didn’t cry much, I was tooo in shock. I was just numb. I get to the hospital and meet up with my dad’s friends about 11am and to my HORROR he was still in his room (I did not see him, I didn’t want to see him like that). This JOKE of a hospital didn’t have a morgue or anything. They just left him there. :::BLIND RAGE:::

Here I am 24 years old and in charge. I am talking with all my family 1,000 miles away in NY and being the person making decisions about how to proceed. And I’m just SCREAMING at hospital staff. His “cause of death” from the coroner (WHO CALLS IN CAUSES OF DEATH OVER THE PHONE – IN TEXAS AT LEAST) was heart failure. UMMMMM yes generally EVERYONE’s cause of death is literally heart failure. You’re heart stops = you die. BUT WHAT LED TO THE HEART FAILURE. The Dallas coroner office refuses to do an autopsy so we decided to do our own private one in New York. FYI – an autopsy in the state of New York is about $18,000.

The funeral home in New York that we used (WHO WERE WONDERFUL) worked with another Dallas funeral home to get my dad to a morgue and get him flown to New York.

We come to find out that my dad’s true cause of death, was that he bled to death. He lost 2 LITERS OF BLOOD – that’s a whole soda bottle. He died slowly and to my understanding felt no pain, but it was COMPLETELY preventable. The sutures from the surgery weren’t properly closed up and initially all that needed to be done was go in and fix the problem. Even just a few hours before his death he could have been saved with a blood transfusion. BAYLOR FREAKIN HOSPITAL was less than a mile away. This joke of a private hospital that doesn’t have that type of equipment could have easily transferred him there. NEGLIGENCE in his aftercare.

Before you ask. Yes we tried to sue. However the state of Texas is a corrupt bag of shit thanks mostly to George W. Bush. I really don’t want to get started on lawsuit stuff. It was a terrible 2 year ordeal that honestly just left me extra angry with hospitals, doctors, lawyers and Texas.

My daddy didn’t need that surgery. My daddy didn’t need to die. Sadly he did, but I refuse to let my weight control my life. To quote a message I got from @milfitude a while back and saved:

Sometimes it takes the death of a loved one to wake us up. I consider that a lasting gift from my mother.

I found such comfort and hope in those words. And here I am 3 years later and in the best place in my life thus far. I thank my father for that lasting gift no matter how painful it’s been. I only wish he was here to see me now and the wonderful all-around person I am today.

Tomorrow I plan on celebrating my dad’s life on here. Today I will cry, but tomorrow I will celebrate and smile.

Our Last Day

3 years ago today I had a fabulous daddy-daughter day (we were dorks and really called them that) with my dad, little did I know that a week later he would be taken from me.

I was living in North Texas at the time, 5 months into my first job out of grad school and I was going through a rocky patch. My dad lived 2.5 hours away and wanted to come up for the day to cheer me up. Plus my dad was having gastric bypass surgery that Thursday and I really wanted to see him before then.

Part of the reason I moved to Texas was to be closer to my dad. My parents got divorced my freshmen year of high school and he stayed local, but once I went to college we never lived in the same state. I was in Connecticut and he was in New York or Florida or Texas.

I saw my dad so much in those 5 months we both lived in Texas it was wonderful, some of our best times. I had a lot of ups and downs with my dad, but our last few months were so much fun. He was the funniest person I ever knew. I am just like him in so many ways and I miss him constantly.

That last time we hung out I drove up to Oklahoma so we could go to the casino and play some slot machines. Well on the 20 mile drive to Oklahoma I get pulled over on a Sunday afternoon for doing 77 in a 70. I honestly wasn’t aware of my speed because it was an open road and because my dad and I were singing along to the Aida soundtrack on the top of our lungs. I was so upset about the ticket, but my dad comforted me and made me feel better, he always did. After the casino we came back to my apartment, rearranged furniture, and just hung out. I didn’t want him to leave.

I had a sinking feeling about everything. That was the day he told me he was getting gastric bypass over a lapband. I wasn’t a fan of his decision to have either surgery, particularly not gastric bypass. He was 6’2 and 300-325 pounds MAYBE. He has lost 100 pounds through diet and exercise when I was in highschool and he kept it off for 8 years before quickly gaining it back after he retired. I was disappointed that he was resorting to surgery as a quick fix, a quick fix he didn’t need because he BARELY qualified for the surgery because he wasn’t “that” obese. He had been talking about lap band for 6 months and talked to many doctors, went to consults etc. Then within a week of his surgery his doctor (if you can call him that) talks him into gastric bypass.

I’m already sitting at my desk crying so I’ll wait a bit to write more.

I love you all, life is so short.

Take control of your life now, not only for yourselves, but for your (future) kids too.

i just stalked YOUR facebook – omg that one of you and the student workers – YOU ARE GORGEOUS WOMAN! GET RID OF ANONYMITY!

I was going to reply to this privately, but it got me thinking about my anonymity and felt it was important to share with everyone.

My current anonymity has nothing to do with not thinking I am pretty or “gorgeous” in the words of Mr. Smooth 365. I do think overall I’m quite easy on the eyes. HOWEVER for me it’s more the CHANCE that people I know in real life (that are non-fitblr and therefore I don’t think can ever understand what we think/talk about) stumble upon this and think: “wow I didn’t realize how fat she really was before” or “I thought she was looking good now, but she still weighs X and that’s fat”

And before I hear it from any of you – I know it’s stupid and counterproductive to think like that, but it’s honest. I’m fighting it.

I do think that after running this second half marathon at the end of the month that I’ll be confident and secure enough not to give a fuck about what anyone else THINKS, because I’ll KNOW that I’m a badass.

Good Afternoon

Got into New York only 15 minutes later than I was supposed to, to find it hadn’t rained all damn day! However there was a good bit of wind, the last 5 minutes of the flight and landing weren’t exactly smooth.

Met up with my mom who can’t get over how good I look and then of course we starting fighting within 10 minutes of being in the car together. She is a terrible driver and I just can’t keep my mouth shut sometimes. 

Anyway she said she was too anxious to eat dinner and I had not either (minus a South Beach Diet bar I found at the aiport – seriously there were barely any healthy options in the while terminal). So we went to a diner at 11pm. I had a bacon egg and cheese on a bagel and some fries. TERRIBLE I know, but it was so good and I don’t remember the last time I indulged like that. 

Got home and was exhausted, but I always have a hard time going to sleep my first night anywhere. So I was up until 2:30am watching Project Runway and that show with Austin Scarlet and Santino rice that is on afterwards which always cracks me up.

So went to bed at 2:30am and slept until 1:30pm. I must say I’m glad I ate so much at night because I didn’t wake up starving. Just has some peanut butter on a bagel thin. It’s very frustrating to not have access to MY FOOD and what I normally buy. 

Regardless I’m gearing up for a little 3 mile run and then to get a Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee 🙂

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover

Ok this is a random chain of thought, but bare with me. The night I met the professor I also met another english professor (a female) who is training for a full marathon. I look at her and see this skinny, sporty blonde girl. We exchange twitter info and follow one another. I quickly come to find out via her tweets, daily mile, personal blog (not tumblr) that she lost over 100 pounds in the past 2 years. WHAT?!?! That blew my mind, she just seemed like a skinny-sporty girl who was always that way. She’s been blogging about all her biking and running etc. Meanwhile I haven’t told her about my tumblr (mainly because I’ve posted about the prof and again the fear of sharing this with people who know me). Anyway I read this post she wrote today and it was so interesting for me to see her through her own “formerly fat” eyes. (I actually love the phrase formerly fat, I have a friend Craig from college that always refered to himself as that and it makes me laugh/smile – esp because he was SO PROUD to be FORMERLY and I will too one day)

Anywhere this is her blog post:

Today I went to a health screening appointment at work — they’re allowing people to receive a discount on health insurance if we opt into this program where they measure certain health factors and offer consultations for people whose numbers put them at risk for various potential problems. I filled out a questionnaire, had my blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood glucose tested, and then had them measure my body composition. The whole appointment took fifteen minutes.

The program at work is completely voluntary, and I feel quite sure that had this happened two years ago I wouldn’t have opted in.  When I was obese, I never experienced health problems as a result of my weight, but the very idea of having this data measured would have sent me into fits of anxiety.  Body Mass Index. Body Fat Percentage. Cholesterol. And, worst of all, I would have fixated on whether my blood glucose levels would show me at risk for diabeetus. (The only way I could think of that without cringing was to think of Wilford Brimley.)

Going to the doctor was always mildly terrifying during those years, although — to my relief — not one of my doctors ever advised me to lose weight. I guess they figured that at one hundred pounds overweight, I surely had to know things weren’t good. I was just happy not to have to talk about it.

Today, though, I walked into that office without even thinking twice about it.  The reduction in my monthly health insurance cost was one motivating factor, sure, but most of all, I was actually kind of excited to get a look at my numbers. Eager, even. Such a strange feeling.  Here’s what I learned:

Total Cholesterol: 164
HDL (”good” cholesterol): 51
Non-HDL (”bad” cholesterol): 114
Glucose: 90

They were looking for my total cholesterol to be below 200 with my HDL to be 50 or higher — score on both!  For glucose, they wanted it to be under 200.  These numbers all looked good.

My body composition was measured using a fancy Tanita machine — the kind that you step on barefoot and it magically figures out your numbers by mildly electrocuting you. Bonus fun times! From what I understand, this thing may be less accurate than an underwater test, but more accurate than the average at-home scale that claims to measure the same data. Here are my stats:
Weight: 139.4 lbs
Height: 5′9″
BMI: 20.6
Fat Percentage: 17.1 %
Fat Mass: 23.8 lbs
Total Body Water: 84.6 lbs

The doctor told me these numbers were all good as well, except he said that the suggested healthy body fat percentage for me was between 21-33%, a few percentage points higher than my result.  For an athletic person, though, my lower number is fine.  I found it kind of fascinating to have it all broken down for me, especially the sort of amazing fact that almost 85 pounds of me is water. Isn’t that weird to think about? I think so.

I can just imagine having these same tests done two years ago: how embarrassed I would have been, how the doctor would have tried to be kind in telling me that my BMI of well over 30 put me in the obese category, how he probably would have tried to tell me the obvious: that small changes and being more active would help me lose weight. How my face would have slowly deepened to approximately the shade of a ripe tomato and my voice would have gotten all tight and quavery.

The thing is, I never would have volunteered to do this two years ago, when I needed it most.  The shame I felt at being overweight would have made me incapable of going. Of course, back then I knew I needed to lose weight and get healthy. I just can’t help but wonder if I would have lost the weight sooner — or if I would have stopped gaining before it got so bad — if I’d had the opportunity to see the numbers and to learn what was going on inside my body.

Well, looky there. This 15-minute doctor’s appointment got me feeling all ramblingly thoughtful.  But don’t you think this is a widespread situation? I don’t think I’m the only person who let that shame stop me from trying to talk to a doctor about my weight.  I know it’s pretty common to live in denial of our health problems, especially if they’re connected to something socially stigmatized like obesity.  I wonder if there’s a way for workplaces and healthcare providers to encourage people like me-of-the-past to come in?  What are your thoughts?

You’re so pretty, you should have your profile pic be of you!

My first anon message! As flattered as I am, I bet you are referring to the pictures of the Divine Miss M (Enoughfluff) as I like to call her from her past birthdays. 

I actually haven’t posted my face yet on here…so I guess I’m still anon myself. Maybe soon I’ll come out from the shadows.

She’s Awesome (TT Edition)

Some of my friends know that I use tumblr as a weight loss support group, but I have generally not told many people and I had only shared my username with 2 other people. One of which is 365to30 who I know in real life, but haven’t seen in years and a student of mine (who was following me on my music tumblr) who I don’t see very often.

Well I struggled with the thought of sharing my tumblr with someone I see everyday. Someone who could look at me and see the weight loss/gain that I blogged about up close and in person. I just feel very open on this tumblr – more open than I am in real life and I was worried about being “vulnerable.” However my friend and I often talk health and wellness. I know she is on a weight loss journey of her own and I know how supportive and wonderful tumblr has been for me and I wanted her to be apart of our little cult family.

She is only a week or two into tumblring, but I know from her personal blog that she is a great writer and I know from being friends with her for over 2 years that she is all around a fantastic, joyful, and sarcastic person. Seriously she is ALMOST as awesome as me. So I recommend and encourage you all to check out (For The)LoveOfMe.

Yuck

I knew this week would be crazy busy and working out would be hard. I’m bummed that I’ve only worked out twice this week and ate like shit this weekend. Regardless I’m heading out on an 11 mile run this morning and resolve to not let one bad week dampen my spirit…