Tag: MLvulnerability

This post is all over the place

I had a great time with the professor yesterday – I find him fascinating and stimulating and intimidating and charming and I’m pretty sure he also finds me to be those things. It’s just so interesting to see my love life meet my weight loss life. Lots of insecurities and excitement at the same time. I have a lot on my mind today. 

This quote from a fellow fitblr that I saved comes to mind:

“There’s a reconditioning of your brain from fat-girl to fit-girl, to believing in what you can and have accomplished, and not psyching yourself out about it all.”

It also doesn’t help that I’m like an emotional cripple with mental problems and unresolved daddy issues. Being vulnerable is not really my scene – I have lots of walls I highly guard and being fat helped keep people away. Then I get mad about how it took losing nearly 40 pounds for people to take notice. Then at the same time I’m like well being thinner could allow me to cast a wider net and why settle first fish that I catch. God I’m a bitch. I don’t even know what I want…I’m such a mess. I need to stop thinking and just live and let be, but it’s so much easier said than done.

Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing all that monumental happens, but by the end of it you have no idea who you are or what the hell you are doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days?
Ted: [smiles] Uhh, about once a week.

~How I Met Your Mother

I’ve been re-watching the entire series on DVD and I loved that exchange. It really sums up life in your mid-late twenties.

As scary and unsettling as it can be having a quarter life crisis – it’s also truly awesome and I love constantly questions myself, my wants, my abilities…

Life’s a roller coaster and I am not strapped in…

 The past week or so has consisted of this:

  • I did not get a job offer I (thought) I wanted
  • I made a rash decision and joined okcupid
  • I met a guy the old fashioned way
  • I am signing up for my ½ marathon on 10/3

I love my current job. I do, but living so far from my loved ones has taken a toll on me and I miss city life. So I have been job searching. I actually had two interviews in NY while I was home. After my first interview I withdrew as a candidate – I COULD NOT see myself working there. My second interview had a lot going for it. More money, great location, great job perks (like a free 2 bedroom apartment), new and challenging job responsibilities. For lots of reasons I didn’t let myself think about the parts of the job that would be problematic. Well I was supposed to hear about that job last Friday. I didn’t hear from them and assumed the worst. I also hated NOT KNOWING. I had a lot of things I was putting on hold until I knew if I was staying or leaving. I have a feeling if I got the job I would have taken in it, but in hindsight it’s for the best I’m not leaving. I have a lot of unfinished business here. On Monday I got the call that I didn’t get the job. It stung – I mean nobody likes rejection, but I got up, dusted myself off and look forward to the future.

Back to Friday after I didn’t hear about the job. I made the rash decision to join okcupid. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I had not even been considering doing so, but some flash of rage? brilliance?I don’t exactly know made me do it. I guess if I’m gonna be here for another couple of months, I may as well make the most of it and have fun. Well let me tell you I am apparently a hot commodity – I guess it doesn’t hurt that I’m 35 pounds svelter than I used to be. Two guys thus far have really piqued my interest and I actually have a date with one of them on Friday – good for him for cutting to the chase. Why talk to someone for weeks, just to go out and be like “ummm…no.” So we shall see. He’s from the Northeast too…typical. I ALWAYS find the transplants down here to date. Regardless of how anything turns out – it’s been a good self esteem boost.

So Saturday I once again did my monthly closet purge and rediscovered quite a few items of clothing. What I am MOST excited about is my SEAT BELT – BELT that I bought my FRESHMEN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. We’re talking 1997. Well the belt fits better than it ever has and it’s flippin’ awesome. So Saturday night I was judging a talent show on campus and wore cute new (well new to me because they fit) jeans, my seat belt-belt, and just look cute over all. During the talent show I get a text from one of my friends in my improv group inviting me for drinks. I tell her sure and I’ll meet her after the talent show. Well I get to the bar and my friend is at a table with like 10 people. 10 people all with ph.Ds. I should mention my friend is an english professor at the college we work at and she’s out with like the english/theatre department because they all went to some coworkers wedding earlier. The guy sitting next to my friend moved down one so I can sit next to her since I don’t know anyone else. My gosh I was scared of trying to keep up with their ph.D. level conversations (I only have a lowly masters degree). Turns out my fantastic conversational skills and overall intelligence kept me in the loop. Oh and also a number of the people have seen me perform in my improv group and thought I was funny which never hurts. ANYWAY. I end up talking most of the night with the guy who gave me his chair. He is a nerdy-hipster-geek-chic english professor who is SO NOT MY TYPE, but I was intrigued nonetheless. Good conversations. I  should also mention most of the table was HAMMERED at this time which was entertaining. I only had 2 glasses of wine (they mind you had been there for a while and drank at a wedding). We all parted ways and I went home and of course looked him up on facebook, but I RESTRAINED myself. Well turns out the next day he friends me and we’ve been messaging a bit. So we shall see.

So now knowing that I’m not moving anytime soon. I am signing up for the Divas Half marathon on 10/3. I am so pumped!!! The weather on Long Island in October should be brisk and lovely – I can’t wait. I’m also glad I’m not moving because I was afraid all the chaos that comes with moving hundreds of miles would derail my running/weight loss. I’m excited to keep up with my routine and stay focused.

I gotta jet…I’m off to my FIRST SPIN CLASS EVER (I’m scared and excited)!!!

I saw this picture a few days on tumblr and LOVED it. I’ve been waiting for the right time to post it and today is the day. I want to give @EnoughFluff  a shout out for all of her hard work. I actually was just on your blog yesterday looking at your amazing stats and to see you being sad in my dash today made me hurt for you.

I wish all the hard work we put in made stretch marks go away, or rid us of jiggly skin and cellulite,  or magically give us self-confidence, but on our journey we should all hope to become the best versions of ourselves. All of our battle scars make us authentic, they make us, us.

I dedicate this song to all of you: Beautiful

#Fail

I didn’t pack my gym clothes last night because I was exhausted.
I packed my gym clothes up a lunch while home.
I left my gym clothes in the car accidentally.
I was going to change at the gym instead of my office like I usually do because I was parked far.
I secretly hope my clothes aren’t in the car because I have a pounding headache and am still exhausted from a non-relaxing vacation.
My clothes are in the car and I drive to the gym.
I sit in the car and realize my head hurts too much and I’m so stressed about work and unpacking and fixing my tv and internet that are on the fritz.
I haven’t done something like this in ages, but I need to get my head back on track before I can get my body on track.
I’m mad about my decision, but I need a breather before 2 insane days at work, even though the past two days have been crazy in their own regard.

Control

This morning I woke up feeling lighter and overall my body just has felt different/stronger lately…I was SOOOOO tempted to jump on the scale and take a peek. I peeked this weekend, but for my mental heath I know it’s better if I stick to WIW. Well this morning I was thisclose to stepping on the scale when all of a sudden my brain screamed at me GET CONTROL.

And it made me think of my manta from Radiohead’s Creep:

I don’t care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

Control is SO much more than what I eat and pushing myself when exercising, which was my initial thought. Control is not letting yourself get on the scale when you told yourself you will wait until Wednesday. Control is making a decision and sticking to it no matter what.

I can’t wait to hit my GW and get those lyrics tattooed on my ribs…

I’m on a roll this week, first talking about my boobs and now I’m gonna talk about my underwear. 

So now two days in a row I wore boy shorts style underwear to the gym. I love boy shorts they are probably my favorite kind of underwear to wear, EXCEPT when working out. Boy shorts and me running don’t mix…I end up with like mega wedgies. And yes I’m the girl who picks her wedgies at the gym….I DON’T CARE…I’d rather be comfortable running then care about someone else thinks. Regardless I hate getting wedgies when running. My gym undies of choice are bikini briefs.

How about the rest of you. Do you work out in boy shorts, briefs, thongs, none?

Boobie Report

***This post is geared towards my lady readers….fellas you’ve been warned***

Can we talk boobs for a minute.

…didn’t hear anyone oppose the notion so I will continue…

I blossomed early and quickly if you will, back in my pubescent years. My bosom was ample, but not perky. They were just so heavy and I didn’t really have muscle under my boobs. I always felt like they were weighing me down and nothing my supporting them, but skin. Boob stretch marks are the devil and that skin is so delicate to begin with. I was worried about further boob sagging so I’ve always worn two sports bras and for a loooong time I was scared of running and the impact it would have on my chest.

Funny thing in the past 6 months I have found that my boobs are pretty much the same size as they were (went from 38DD to 36D), but they have gotten MUCH perkier. I do still wear two sports bras for the most part, but they aren’t “working as hard” – (I like to tell my male trainer that to make him blush).

I was curious if anyone else has noticed those kinds of changes with the perkiness of their chest?