Tag: MLvulnerability

Never forget ❤️
9/11/01 was my freshman year of college. I was a recently minted 18 year old from Long Island, NY. My parents and I had just crossed the bridge to CT less than 3 weeks earlier to drop me off at college and I remember taking in the skyline one last time before my college journey began. Little did I know this would be the last time I saw the towers.
My college community pulled together that day and I believe that day really connected me to my university. So many of us were from the greater NYC area. Thankfully I didn’t know anyone personally who passed, but many in my wider circle lost loved ones.
I remember my Dad coming to get me the weekend after 9/11, crossing that same bridge and seeing ground zero still smoking in the distance. For so many years 9/11 was a New York event for me, however moving to the DC area in 2012, I gained a new perspective. In the years since, I’ve been to all 3 memorial sites, each unique and powerful. Today I remember all who died that day and all those who lost loved ones that day or as a result of that day ❤️

Learning to be comfortable in uncertainty will be my biggest hurdle to date. I’ve lived my life so guarded, so practical, so safe, so steady, so certain…but where has it gotten me?
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I’ve played small for much of my life, but this is stopping now.
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I want more than the life I’ve built myself thus far. Part of me has felt for a while “well I’m on this course why detour?” but now I want more than to detour I want to burn it down. Okay I’m slowing my role and let’s be real, I don’t yet have the balls to really light a match and run from my current life, but I’m definitely rerouting myself.
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I don’t want to be an employee, I want to be a creative entrepreneur. I don’t want to live a provincial life in the suburbs, I want to be in a city or by the beach or better yet in a city by the beach. I want to take risks and not fear critics and judgement. I want to live life on my terms, I’m still figuring what I want, but I know I’m clear on what I don’t want and I’m taking action steps daily to get clear on what I want and make it a reality.
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Will I make some mistakes, take a few bump, or worse FAIL. Yes, yes I will, but I really can’t live my life with regret. Finally my internal balance has shifted – the regret would be more painful than the failure and it’s fucking exciting as hell to feel this way!
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#purposedrivenlife #goals #forgetregret #uncertainty #creative #spiritthatisnotafraid

This week’s podcast from my man @cscdanmason was just what I needed to hear tonight, especially since I ugly cried at both Dan and my therapist today.
My trauma manifests as shame. Deep seated feelings of unworthiness, being a fraud, not belonging, etc. However in the case of trauma misery loves company and when I can share my story to others who can empathize I heal and research says they heal some too. I’m still trying to figure out how to use Measuring Life to connect and build community, but that’s really what I desire more than anything. Thanks for listening.
#trauma #recoveryjourney #healingjourney #selfcare #shame

I am committing to stop putting myself last. I do it at work, at home, and everywhere in between. It is not noble, it is unhealthy and unfulfilling. I had become blind to my overfunctioning personality and only now through coaching, therapy, ACA, and other trauma work am I learning how to recognize my patterns and make a change. This is hard work, but I’m worth it and my livelihood is worth it.

The John Mayer song 1983 has always been a favorite, however, if I were to write a song that was an ode to a year (and one day I just might since one of my not-so-secret dreams is to write a Broadway musical) it would be a song titled 1997.

For me, 1997 was a big year of changes. It was the year I transitioned from the same private Catholic school I was at for grades 1-8 to an all-girls Catholic high school. It was the year we got a desktop Hewlett-Packard computer and AOL at home. It was a year when I was getting really into music, both the pop music of Hanson (who I still love) and the rock tunes of Eve6 and Bush. Rushing home to watch my beloved Carson Daly on MTV or listening to Z100 on my new cd-player boom box.

1997 was also the last year that my home wasn’t “broken.” Well, in all honestly my home was always broken, but after 1997 it became broken to the outside world. My parents separated and my Dad moved out in June 1998 right as my freshman year of high school ended leaving my sister and me to be primarily “cared” for our mentally unstable alcoholic mother. For both my sister and I, 1997 is a crystal clear frozen moment in time, it was the end of our innocence.

I think that is the main reason why I love all the 1990s nostalgia, particularly the music. Over the last few weeks I’ve attended some fantastic concerts – Incubus, Hanson, and Darius Rucker especially when he’s singing Hootie tunes (fun fact Cracked Rear View was one of the first CDs I ever owned, the first was the Clueless soundtrack). For me, music is so cathartic. It’s painful and healing all at the same time. Going to concerts is one of my absolute favorite things to do in the world. I’d like to think I go to more concerts than your average 35-year-old, but for me, concerts are a combination of church and therapy. One of my mantra’s on my recovery and healing journal has become you have to feel it to heal it. Music lets me feel and heal in a way that makes me feel safe.
#recoveryjourney #healingjourney #selfcare #selflove #nostalgia #abandonment_issues #brokenhome #childofdivorce #adultchildrenofalcoholics

For so long I felt alone in my emotional trauma, but over the past year or so I’m learning just how not alone I really am.
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My top trauma areas are:
Stress
Grief and Separation
School bullying
Parents divorce
Alcoholic mother
Gay father
Dead father
Workaholism
Financial insecurities
Relationship tension
Guilt
Shame
Isolation
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However to quote my coach @cscdanmason:
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THE QUESTION IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, IT’S HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT.
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I’ve used both low level and high level ways to coping such as:
Gossip
Alcohol
Food
Over responsibility
Yoga
Working out
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But my group couching coupled with 12 step programs, therapy, journaling, blogging, etc are where I am doing my best healing and building resilience.
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Facing your trauma is hard and can be scary, but by feeling the pain that’s how we heal.
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Thank you for being here with my on my healing journey and invite me to follow yours!

New York Minute

Make that 2,880 minutes aka 2 days.

Friday: T and I left around 9am for NYC expecting it to take about 5 hours, but thanks to beach traffic and weekend traffic it took SEVEN hours. We had less time to bee-bop about so instead after spending like 30 minutes with my sister and getting the dog situated at her place in Queens we headed into Manhattan. We grabbed a quick bite at Empanda Mama’s – a favorite, but the food was not as good as usual. Then we headed to see The Play That Goes Wrong on Broadway. It was my second non-musical show to see on Broadway and I gotta say I was impressed with the actors. This show is a comedy and it has a lot of physical comedy – we both enjoyed. It’s playing through January and also going on tour. We pretty much crashed for the night once we got back to my sister’s place.

Saturday: We dropped T off at the Intrepid to wander around for a few hours while my sister and I headed to a NYSC to do the new releases of Body Combat and Body Pump. My sister is an instructor and I want to get certified so she thought instead of us going to a class together, this would be more useful. Those instructor videos are NOT instructor friendly, it’s just like watching a work out video and memorizing it and figuring out cues on your own. All the more reason to stick with getting certified for Pump first, Combat moves too damn fast! We met back up with T grabbed deli sandwiches and got ready to head to Citi Field for the Mets vs. Nats game. I grew up going to see the Mets play at their old stadium (RIP Shea), but had not made it to Citi Field in the 9?! years it’s been open.I really wanted to go because my Dad’s cousins got him a memorial brick in the “Fan Walk” infront of the entrance to the park. Thank goodness their website had a Brick Locator page, because I knew where it was and it still took 3 of us like 10 minutes to find. The game was good, the Mets won and they had a Home Run so the big apple pops us from the outfield (I loved that as a kid). We grabbed dinner in Queens and called it an early night.

Sunday: I grabbed coffee and bagels for everyone before heading to the Long Island City waterfront (which they juuuust extended and it’s amazing) to get on my group call with my life coach for 2 hours. I loved having my headset in and getting to look at the NYC skyline – she’s my favorite. We were supposed to see my mom and head to Long Island, but with less than 24 hours notice she told us not to come, she wasn’t up for visitors essentially. I was livid, this is not the first time that I’ve been in NY and had plans to see her and she’s bailed. In short, my mom has a lot of issues and I need to stop hurting myself by trying to fix this toxic relationship. We ended up just bopping around the High Line and Greenwich village per T’s request before heading home. Thankfully it was only a 5-hour drive home