Tonight I received my 1 year chip at my ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting. I found this group at my rock bottom and I’ve found a community that I am forever thankful for. It’s critical for my recovery to attend these meetings regularly. I’ve found a lot of peace and I’m excited to continue to work the 12 steps.
#recovery #selfcare #workaholic #acoa #aca #adultchildrenofalcoholics #vulnerability #community
Took this quote from tonight’s call with @cscdanmason. Only 3 calls in with Dan and he’s already made me cry. The official coaching program doesn’t even start until Saturday and I’ve already had a breakthrough. I know I’m going do a lot of growing over these next 3 months and I’m so ready for it! Dan told me in order to heal it, I need to feel it! So here goes nothing!
Thinking of this guy who I lost 10+ years ago following complications after gastric bypass surgery.
Losing him when he was 58 and I was 24 turned my world upside-down. When I was in high school he lost 100 lbs naturally and kept it off for ~8 years, but once he retired and his routine changed he put weight back on. At 6’2 ~300 lbs he purposefully put on some weight to qualify for the surgery.
He originally planned for lap band, but about a week prior to surgery he opted for gastric bypass as a more permanent solution.
His surgery was the Thursday before Thanksgiving, I saw him the Sunday before since we were both living in North Texas at the time. He wasn’t scared so I was scared. I was planning to see him a few days after his surgery so he told me not to drive the 2.5 hours down for surgery. He got through surgery and was supposed to be released from the clinic the next day, but they kept him another night, and then another night. I should have known something was wrong, but I was a 24 year old idiot. I spoke to him Saturday afternoon on the phone, he didn’t sound right, but again no one nor my gut told me to come. His surgery incision wasn’t healing properly. Sunday morning, November 18, 2007 I get the hysterical 6AM phone call that he’s dead.
Shock. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Sadness. Anger.
That first year or so after he died was such blur, we tried to sue the hospital for negligence, but ran into good old boys club type roadblocks. The autopsy we had done in NY concluded that he died of internal bleeding, totally preventable or treatable with a blood transfusion.
To me surgery is not a option ever. I have always had a mistrust of doctors after my mom’s dad also died due to routine surgery and post op negligence (in that case my grandmother won the lawsuit and 2 doctors lost their licenses).
In Jan 2010 I knew I wanted to never have to consider an elective surgery so I starting running, slowly, but surely I got control of my life and my health. I’ve had some slip ups over the years, but at the end of the day me living a healthy life is my tribute to my Dad.
44 Reasons Why You’re Chandler Bing
On a little survey I filled out here a few weeks ago that I just reposted to my new Instagram and I saw my answer to “favorite fictional character” was “wow that’s a tough one, but I’m going to go Chandler Bing from Friends”
Well lo and behold THIS POPS UP in my TimeHop today from 5 years ago.
Weeeeeird and also so very true
I’ve been listening to a great self help/motivational podcast this last week by @cscdanmason called “Life Amplified” on iHeartRadio. Here are some quotes from his first few podcasts that really resonated with me.
I’m mad at myself for taking 6 months to get around to listening to it. But I know I’m now ready to hear his message and I’ve been so inspired.
I even was part of a free webinar he hosted tonight. I’m thinking about taking the plunge and investing in an expert mentor and a support group he’s leading about finding your purpose. Stay tuned!
For most of my life I’ve been a private person, fiercely so (most of my friend and family don’t even know this blog exists, it’s been my own sanctuary space). The primary reason being a classic defense mechanism to prevent being vulnerable. Lately, I’ve been shifting toward other healthier coping mechanisms that aren’t as isolating.
A private aspect of my life that I’ve only very recently begun talking about outside my closest circles is one worth sharing today, my Dad’s Birthday.
About 5 years after my parents separated my Dad slowly and quietly came out of the closet as a gay man. It wasn’t until about 3 years before his death that both him and I were able to begin comfortably talking about his identity and his partner. I supported my Dad and loved him fully, but also struggled at times.
I remember being 22 and wishing I could read about or talk with other adult children of gay parents or parents who came out later in life, I felt so alone. Fortunately times have changed so much over these past 10+ years. However, I never really got to fully embrace this aspect of my identity because when I was 24 my Dad died unexpectedly. All of a sudden I was a daughter without a father as opposed to the daughter of a gay father. Yet, both of these identities are important to me and have shaped me beyond measure.
I’m so very proud to be my father’s daughter. I thank him especially for giving me his sense of humor, ingenuity, and love of musicals. To know me is to know him and on his birthday I wanted to honor and share a part of us. Happy Birthday Daddy, I miss you every single day ❤️ 4.25.49-11.18.07
Tomorrow marks 10 years since my dad passed away from complications following gastric bypass surgery.
Whoa.
10 years, that’s a decade.
I was 24 and he was 58.
Unfortunately, I have unnecessary drama with my mom right now so I will save a better post about my dad for another day. The sad reality is the 10 years that he’s been gone have also led to the 10 worst years in my relationship with my mom. A relationship that was rocky to begin with due to her alcoholism and emotional abuse.
Anyway a friend who lost her dad a year ago posted this on FB yesterday and it’s just so damn true.
His death was at the same time not a surprise and utterly unexpected. I feel both lucky to have had my dad for so many years and angry that he was taken from me when I and he were too young. If I know anything better today than I did last year, it is exactly how complicated and messy life and death and grief are. I choose to remember above else his kind heart and his sensitive loving soul.
I’d add that my dad was freaking hilarious and his humor is something I will never forget.
The complications of life and death and grief were something I wasn’t expecting and it really causes tremendous pain.
Love you Daddy.
Out of the blue this morning I had a string of thoughts that started with the lady who interviewed me for the Urban Hiking gig. I wondered…
…if she thought I was in good enough shape to teach a Health & Fitness class.
…was she expecting someone of my “size” to interview for the job (which I got).
…what is my “size” ?
…was my body type a non-issue because I was “normal” – did I warrant to be thought of as normal?
…at what point would “my size” be viewed as normal versus fat or big or my very least favorite “bigger” which I feel people use to not seem like THEY aren’t being as harsh when describing someone.
…what is the first thing people notice about me? That I’m tall? I almost would hope I’m seen as tall first over being seen as “fat” or “big” – in my college days I used to control that narrative subconsciously by wearing pretty revealing tops, so the first thing people noticed were my big boobs. My chest was like a weird security blanket for SO many years. In fact one of my best friends brought up how low cut my shirts used to be and how I dress more conservatively now (it is funny we did go out to a bar on Saturday night to dance for my friends birthday with a bunch of girls and I wore a shirt that was cute to me vs one that was “dance club cute”) and that is a definite shift that even I’ve noticed over the years.
It both surprises and doesn’t surprise me when my deep seeded insecurities rear its ugly head. I’ve been feeling “slender” lately. My body is changing, I’ve been working out 5-6x a week, and keeping up with Weight Watchers. My clothes fit differently, but more so I know I’m carrying myself differently.
I know we cannot control how people view us, I only have control over how I view myself.
Brothers Osborne Doing “While You Still Can” on the Bobby Bones Show
God, I love radio – it’s such a powerful format.
Despite being a devoted Elvis Duran listener, I do sometimes flip to Bobby Bones when Elvis is on vacation. I flipped to Bobby yesterday following the Vegas shooting because he’s on the country station and turns out Bobby and his band played the Harvest 91 festival Saturday night. Bobby was super raw yesterday. I listened to him this morning because he had a ton of artists come into the studio to play songs to honor all the victims and fans.
I’ve never heard of the Brothers Osborne before, but this song SHOOK me. I needed to like decompress in the car before coming into the office.
My heart is especially heavy thinking of all the first responders who jump(ed) to action from acts of terror to acts of Mother Nature.