Tag: MLvulnerability

WIW – Reality Check

Today: 204.6

It hurt my soul to see a 2 this morning. I’m not shocked since the last time I weighed myself a few weeks ago I was like literally 199.9 and I haven’t felt comfortable in my skin (or clothes) lately. 

I could lament about how I made a conscious decision to let the weight creep on the past 6-8 months, but why harp on the past. 

I have my marathon training plan in motion. For me running is only part of the training, it’s also nutrition and tumblr. I need to be in the space and holding myself accountable. 

  • Run 2/71 is today
  • I recommitted to protein shakes for breakfast
  • I plan to try to make my summer lunches jar salads and ½ of a sweet potato. 
  • I will make a strong effort to limit myself to drinking 1x a week
  • I’m back on the tumblr scene – looking for new people to follow, send some my way!

So here I am 204.6, but  4 months from now as I embark on my 3rd marathon, I hope to get down to the low 170s or 180s again. It will just be more pounds that I dropped to get me where I know I can be. 

+/- of the Week

-T has been out of town for work all week

+he gets back this afternoon

+I’ve been able to/made time to work out and eat well all week

-valve behind toilet started leaking Monday

+managed the leak with plastic wrap and emptying a large bowl until maintenance could come yesterday morning

-8am yesterday: value breaks off in maintenance man’s hand and water geysers

+get the water shut off and the flood under control and using every towel in my apartment, including beach towels to soak up water

-maintenance man goes to get parts and my idiot upstairs neighbors decides in those 15 minutes he’s gone to take a shower/came down to the basement and apparently turned the water back on

-by myself trying my best to keep the water spewing from the broke value/pipe under control. 

+maintenance man comes back and shuts the water off

-start using tshirts to soak up water since I’m out of towels

+get everything fixed and sopped up. Maintenance man brings a pro grade fan to dry the carpet that has some minor water overflow

+Maintenance man and I wring out all the soaked towels/shirts and leave in the tub for me to deal with afterwork

-Come home from work to do a shit ton a laundry, start 2 loads of towels/tshirts to come back and find the water for the washers was still off and I wasted $$ and time. 

-drag wet/detergent covered loads to building next door’s laundry room. Only one washer is working. Spend the next 4 hours and $20 doing laundry

Moral of the story: days like yesterday really make me miss my dad. Tomorrow would have been his 66th birthday, but it’s been almost 8 years since he’s passed. Even if my dad would have been alive he couldn’t have physically helped since he prob wouldn’t be living near me, however just talking to him always calmed me down and make me feel less upset. I was able to talk to T and that helped some. I told T about how all of the chaos of the day really made me miss my dad and how I could call him anytime. T sweetly reminded me that he’s always there for me to call. I still miss my Dad terribly, but T was very sweet and comforting.

VHS Fun

After a pretty busy Saturday, T and I spent all of Sunday in our PJs. I made breakfast, we did a 500 piece puzzle, and then I had the brilliant idea to get out my old TVCRDVD (circa 2004) to show T the VHS tape of the 2 times I was on TRL, once in 11/01 as part of a university programming board trip my freshmen year and once in 01/03 when Maroon5 made their TRL debut (I kinda knew Maroon5 back in the day so I was on their list to get in the studio with my sister). T was pretty amused. Watching old music videos and old commercials were even more amusing.

We then watched a few VHS videos I made in college, hilarious and embarrassing. Finally we watched a family home movie from 1989-1990. I was freaking adorable. T thought I pretty much look exactly the same. It was a crazy trip down memory lane. It was fun to hear my dad’s voice on film since he always took the video and rarely was in it. 

I enjoyed sharing so much of my old self with T, super special stuff. 

Looking for an Equal

In one episode of HIMYM they discuss how in most relationships there is a reacher and a settler. Putting aside how often that is the case for relationships in general, I was thinking about my relationships. 

–possible trigger warning for some folks about ego/insecurities– 

Most of my more successful relationships have been ones where I was in my mind “the settler.” Now don’t get me wrong I’ve done my fair share of “reaching” however it’s really never worked out, I generally end up hurt.

I think a lot of relationship dynamics for me come down to my self-esteem/confidence or lack there of at times. My insecure self has usually found comfort or safety for my fragile ego with someone when I think I’m more of a catch (be it that I was more educated or attractive or happy or caring or cultured, etc).

A big part of caring for someone else is first caring for yourself. I’m better at caring for myself when my ego is inflated. As a Leo, I’ve read so much about how we are really delicate kittens behind our roars. I am such a queen of bravado. I’ve been stuck with a bum wrap for having a big head/ego at times, but it was a tactic I used to say things about myself that I WISHED other people were saying or thinking about me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is at after almost 7 months with T, I couldn’t figure out between us who is reaching and who is settling. I feel like he’s such a catch, but I also feel really good about myself and us. What I’ve come to realize is it’s because I think I’ve found an equal.

I’ve never been in a relationship where I feel like we are on the same level. With T it’s such a back and forth of learning, compliments, humor, caring, sharing, etc. I’m just so happy it’s grotesque and I can’t believe (in a wonderful way) that he’s as happy with me as I am with him. 

Sorry I felt like I needed to word vomit this post, I’ll try and get back to our regularly scheduled posts! 

REAL talk with my OBGYN

Gotta love kicking off a new year with an annual exam. I was due to go at the end of November, but months ago when I called to schedule I couldn’t get an appointment until today. 

I came in armed with questions today about family planning or in my current case not ready for babies yet planning. 

If you know me in real life, perhaps this is a good time to stop reading.

I was a late bloomer sexually compared to many, but I bloomed at the right time for me and waited for love. However I’ve always been terrified of getting pregnant, I blame my mother for instilling an overly irrational fear (my mother’s mother’s sister got pregnant as a teenager and my grandmother got blamed for it by her parents for not “watching” her which lead to a long line of fear/guilt). ANYWAY. 

So when it came to sex there couldn’t be too many precautions in my mind. Without being too specific on the internet I was overdoing it with the birth control precautions and lately it had been getting in the way – in the sense that I got overly anxious about all the precautions. Recently I’ve had some educational conversations with a colleague in the sexual health office on campus and I’ve read a lot, but I’ve been eager for today, to ask my doctor some point blank questions.

It was SUPER uncomfortable for me to ask these point blank questions and get in to detail, however it was also good to talk to an expert and get real answers, by someone who knows my body and my health and has my best interest in mind. We talked through a rational birth control plan and I feel better. 

He did also ask about my desire to have children in the future, to which I told him I was really uncertain. He said I was (at 31) “still fairly young compared to his other patients in Northern Virginia.” He said most of his patients these days aren’t getting married until they are 33-34. He says it isn’t uncommon for him to see women in their 40s having children, but he said ideally if I were to start trying, I should start by 35.  

Education is power folks. I also know I need to give myself breast exams every single month, as opposed to randomly. It’s best to do it right after you finish your period each month. I’m going to resolve to do them monthly starting this year. My doctor did mine today, but February I’m on it! 

7 years

Today marks 7 years since my Dad passed away due to complications of gastric bypass surgery. 

7 years is like a ¼ of my life that he’s been gone already. Out of tragedy I was finally able to find the motivation to get healthy and fit. I did the work, no shortcuts, no fad diets, and most importantly no surgery.

I post about my Dad every year on/around his anniversary, so check my archives if you want to read more…

Love you Daddy 4.25.49 – 11.18.07

Unraveling

Unraveling

measuringlife:

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO TO SPIN CLASS WHERE I COULD SWEAT AND CRY PUBLICLY IN THE DARK.

But NO, spin class was FULL. FULL. It’s never been full in the 14 month history of me going to gym class.

It was the straw that broke the camels back. I had to drive home before I lost it. Which meant…

These were my words 3 years ago today. Life has changed so much. I’m so happy now. I’m not usually one to talk much about God on here (or in real life), but it was cool to see the bible reference I mentioned in this post from 3 years ago. I’m right where I’m supposed to be.